On Writing Romance_ How to Craft a Novel That Sells - Leigh Michaels [108]
Avoid using quotation marks when writing a character's thoughts, because thoughts set apart in this way are easily confused with spoken dialogue.
Is direct or indirect thought better? That depends. If the actual words going through the character's mind are brief and pithy, direct thought is probably the better choice. If you're covering an extensive meditation, it's probably better to summarize with indirect thought.
Most romance authors use both direct and indirect thought, though in first-person books, such as chick-lit, any thought the viewpoint character shares is by definition a direct thought—because, like the rest of her story, it's expressed in the POV character's exact words. Since there's so much direct thought in these books, chick-lit usually doesn't use italics to indicate it.
This example from Dianne Castell's short contemporary novel A Fabulous Wedding relays both direct and indirect thoughts:
God, let me out of this and I'll change. I swear it. No more pity parties over getting dumped by Danny for that Victoria's Secret model, no more comfort junk food, no more telling everyone how to live their lives and not really living her own, and if that meant leaving Whistlers Bend, she'd suck it up and do it and quit making excuses.
The section in italics is direct thought, the character's exact thoughts phrased in first person and present tense (like dialogue). The rest of the selection is indirect thought, a summary of the character's thoughts phrased in third person and past tense (like narrative), though it's phrased in language we can easily imagine the character using.
How Characters Think
Each character should think in his own style, with images appropriate to his experience, not to yours as the author. A figure skater will think in physical images, a nanny in childlike ones.
Male characters should think in masculine language and use images appropriate to their personalities. Keep in mind, however, that the hero's thoughts about the heroine should be about more than just his physical reactions to her. It's fine for him to notice her body, but if that's all he sees or thinks about, he's not a very appealing hero.
Characters should not think in full narrative paragraphs, reliving an entire sequence of events in a neat package and a logical order. People think in snatches; they don't start from the beginning of the problem and review it all in order each time it crosses their minds. Men in particular are more likely to think in fragments, and this trait can be handy in keeping the past details of a male character's story under wraps. Portraying a character jumping into the middle of a thought allows you to pass information to the readers in an intriguing way without giving away too many secrets.
In any case, just because the character knows something doesn't mean he'll be eager to share it with the readers. In this example from my sweet traditional romance The Daddy Trap, I wanted to share the feelings my hero had over meeting the heroine, his ex-wife, after a nine-year separation—without going into detail about the reasons they split up:
With the soft strains of a Mozart symphony filling the air, [Gibb] was just settling into his chair when he heard a car door bang down in the square. He glanced out and saw a small shadow crossing the sidewalk to look in the door at Potpourri.
The lights in the gift shop were still on, but it was obviously closed, for he saw Lindsay unlock the door to let the child in. Was it his imagination, or was the square really so quiet that he could hear the warm murmur of her voice? ...
How little she had changed in nine years. She'd been pretty at nineteen, with her golden-blond hair