Ordeal by Innocence - Agatha Christie [67]
“It wasn’t a grand passion,” said Hester bitterly. “It was just a cheap little affair. None of the things he told me about his life, or his wife, were true. I—I’d just thrown myself at his head. I’d been a fool, a silly, cheap little fool.”
“You’ve got to learn a thing, sometimes, by experience,” said Philip. “None of that’s done you any harm, you know, Hester. It’s probably helped you to grow up. Or it would help you if you let it.”
“Mother was so—so competent about it all,” said Hester, in a tone of resentment. “She came along and settled everything and told me that if I really wanted to act I’d better go to the dramatic school and do it properly. But I didn’t really want to act, and I knew by that time I was no good. So I came home. What else could I do?”
“Probably heaps of things,” said Philip. “But that was the easiest.”
“Oh, yes,” said Hester with fervour. “How well you understand. I’m terribly weak, you see. I always do want to do the easy thing. And if I rebel against it, it’s always in some silly way that doesn’t really work.”
“You’re terribly unsure of yourself, aren’t you?” said Philip gently.
“Perhaps that’s because I’m only adopted,” said Hester. “I didn’t find out about that, you know, not till I was nearly sixteen. I knew the others were and then I asked one day, and—I found that I was adopted too. It made me feel so awful, as though I didn’t belong anywhere.”
“What a terrible girl you are for dramatizing yourself,” said Philip.
“She wasn’t my mother,” said Hester. “She never really understood a single thing I felt. Just looked at me indulgently and kindly and made plans for me. Oh! I hated her. It’s awful of me, I know it’s awful of me, but I hated her!”
“Actually, you know,” said Philip, “most girls go through a short period of hating their own mothers. There wasn’t really anything very unusual about that.”
“I hated her because she was right,” said Hester. “It’s so awful when people are always right. It makes you feel more and more inadequate. Oh, Philip, everything’s so terrible. What am I going to do? What can I do?”
“Marry that nice young man of yours,” said Philip, “and settle down. Be a good little GP’s wife. Or isn’t that magnificent enough for you?”
“He doesn’t want to marry me now,” said Hester mournfully.
“Are you sure? Did he tell you so? Or are you only imagining it?”
“He thinks I killed Mother.”
“Oh,” said Philip, and paused a minute. “Did you?” he asked.
She wheeled round at him.
“Why do you ask me that? Why?”
“I thought it would be interesting to know,” said Philip. “All in the family, so to speak. Not for passing on to the authorities.”
“If I did kill her, do you think I’d tell you?” said Hester.
“It would be much wiser not to,” agreed Philip.
“He told me he knew I’d killed her,” said Hester. “He told me that if I’d only admit it, if I’d confess it to him, that it would be all right, that we’d be married, that he’d look after me. That—that he wouldn’t let it matter between us.”
Philip whistled.
“Well, well, well,” he said.
“What’s the good?” asked Hester. “What’s the good of telling him I didn’t kill her? He wouldn’t believe it, would he?”
“He ought to,” said Philip, “if you tell him so.”
“I didn’t kill her,” said Hester. “You understand? I didn’t kill her. I didn’t, I didn’t, I didn’t.” She broke off. “That sounds unconvincing,” she said.
“The truth often does sound unconvincing,” Philip encouraged her.
“We don’t know,” said Hester. “Nobody knows. We all look at each other. Mary looks at me. And Kirsten. She’s so kind to me, so protective. She thinks it’s me, too. What chance have I? It would be better, much better, to go down to the Point, throw myself over….”
“For God’s sake, don’t be a fool, Hester. There are other things to do.”
“What other things? How can there be? I’ve lost everything. How can I go on living day after day?” She looked at Philip. “You think I’m wild, unbalanced. Well, perhaps I did kill her. Perhaps it’s remorse gnawing at me. Perhaps I can’t forget—here.” She put her hand dramatically to her heart.
“Don’t be a little idiot,” said