Our American Cousin [17]
streaked?
Asa [Showing bottle.] Now, this is a wonderful invention.
Dun My hair dye. My dear sir.
Asa [Squeezing his hand.] How are you?
Dun Dear Mr. Trenchard.
Puts arm on shoulder. Asa repeats Dundreary business, putting on eyeglass, hopping round the stage and stroking whiskers.
Dun He's mad, he's deaf, he squints, stammers and he's a hopper.
Asa Now, look here, you get the Lieut. a ship and I'll give you the bottle. It's a fine swap.
Dun What the devil is a swap?
Asa Well, you give me the ship, and I'll give you the bottle to boot.
Dun What do I want of your boots? I haven't got a ship about me.
Asa You'd better make haste or your whiskers will be changed again. They'll be a pea green in about a minute.
Dun [Crosses to L.] Pea green! [Exits hastily into house.]
Asa I guess I've got a ring in his nose now. I wonder how that sick gal is getting along? Wal, darn me, if the dying swallow ain't pitching into ham and eggs and home-made bread, wal, she's a walking into the fodder like a farmer arter a day's work rail splitting. I'll just give her a start. How de do, Miss, allow me to congratulate you on the return of your appetite. [Georgina scream.] Guess I've got a ring in her pretty nose now. [Looks off, R.] Hello! here comes the lickers and shooters, it's about time I took my medicine, I reckon.
Enter, from R. 2. E., Sir E., Mrs. M. Florence, Vernon, Augusta, De Boots, Wickens, Coyle, Sharpe, Binny, Skillet, Buddicombe, two servants in livery, carrying tray and glasses, a wine basket containing four bottles to represent champagne, knife to cut strings, some powerful acid in one bottle for Asa--pop sure.
Sir E Now to distribute the prizes, and drink to the health of the winner of the golden arrow.
Flo And there must stand the hero of the day. Come, kneel down.
Asa Must I kneel down?
Flo I am going to crown you Capt. of the Archers of Trenchard Manor.
Asa [Aside to Florence.] I've got the ship.
Flo No; have you?
Sir E Come, ladies and gentlemen, take from me. [Takes glasses, Starts on seeing me in livery.] Who are these strange faces?
Coyle [In his ear.] Bailiffs, Sir Edward.
Sir E Bailiffs! Florence I am lost.
[Florence supports her father. At the same moment Dundreary enters with letter and money. Georgina appears at dairy door as Dundreary comes down, L. Asa cuts string of bottle, cork hits Dundreary. General commotion as drop descends.]
ACT III.
Scene 1--Dairy set as before in Act 2d, Scene 2.
[Asa discovered on bench, R. C., whittling stick. Mary busy with milk pans in dairy.]
Asa Miss Mary, I wish you'd leave off those everlasting dairy fixings, and come and take a hand of chat along with me.
Mary What, and leave my work? Why, when you first came here, you thought I could not be too industrious.
Asa Well, I think so yet, Miss Mary, but I've got a heap to say to you, and I never can talk while you're moving about so spry among them pans, pails and cheeses. First you raise one hand and then the other, and well, it takes the gumption right our of me.
Mary [Brings sewing down.] Well, then, I'll sit here-- [sits on bench with Asa, vis-a-vis.] Well now, will that do?
Asa Well, no, Miss Mary, that won't do, neither; them eyes of yourn takes my breath away.
Mary What will I do, then?
Asa Well, I don't know, Miss Mary, but, darn me, if you could do anything that wasn't so tarnal neat and handsome, that a fellow would want to keep on doing nothing else all the time.
Mary Well, then, I'll go away. [Rises.]
Asa [Stopping her.] No, don't do that, Miss Mary, for then I'll be left in total darkness. [She sits.] Somehow I feel kinder lost, if I haven't got you to talk to. Now that I've got the latitude and longitude of all them big folks, found out the length of every lady's foot, and the soft spot on everybody's head, they can't teach me nothing; but here, [Whittling.] here I come to school.
Mary Then throw away that stick, and put away
Asa [Showing bottle.] Now, this is a wonderful invention.
Dun My hair dye. My dear sir.
Asa [Squeezing his hand.] How are you?
Dun Dear Mr. Trenchard.
Puts arm on shoulder. Asa repeats Dundreary business, putting on eyeglass, hopping round the stage and stroking whiskers.
Dun He's mad, he's deaf, he squints, stammers and he's a hopper.
Asa Now, look here, you get the Lieut. a ship and I'll give you the bottle. It's a fine swap.
Dun What the devil is a swap?
Asa Well, you give me the ship, and I'll give you the bottle to boot.
Dun What do I want of your boots? I haven't got a ship about me.
Asa You'd better make haste or your whiskers will be changed again. They'll be a pea green in about a minute.
Dun [Crosses to L.] Pea green! [Exits hastily into house.]
Asa I guess I've got a ring in his nose now. I wonder how that sick gal is getting along? Wal, darn me, if the dying swallow ain't pitching into ham and eggs and home-made bread, wal, she's a walking into the fodder like a farmer arter a day's work rail splitting. I'll just give her a start. How de do, Miss, allow me to congratulate you on the return of your appetite. [Georgina scream.] Guess I've got a ring in her pretty nose now. [Looks off, R.] Hello! here comes the lickers and shooters, it's about time I took my medicine, I reckon.
Enter, from R. 2. E., Sir E., Mrs. M. Florence, Vernon, Augusta, De Boots, Wickens, Coyle, Sharpe, Binny, Skillet, Buddicombe, two servants in livery, carrying tray and glasses, a wine basket containing four bottles to represent champagne, knife to cut strings, some powerful acid in one bottle for Asa--pop sure.
Sir E Now to distribute the prizes, and drink to the health of the winner of the golden arrow.
Flo And there must stand the hero of the day. Come, kneel down.
Asa Must I kneel down?
Flo I am going to crown you Capt. of the Archers of Trenchard Manor.
Asa [Aside to Florence.] I've got the ship.
Flo No; have you?
Sir E Come, ladies and gentlemen, take from me. [Takes glasses, Starts on seeing me in livery.] Who are these strange faces?
Coyle [In his ear.] Bailiffs, Sir Edward.
Sir E Bailiffs! Florence I am lost.
[Florence supports her father. At the same moment Dundreary enters with letter and money. Georgina appears at dairy door as Dundreary comes down, L. Asa cuts string of bottle, cork hits Dundreary. General commotion as drop descends.]
ACT III.
Scene 1--Dairy set as before in Act 2d, Scene 2.
[Asa discovered on bench, R. C., whittling stick. Mary busy with milk pans in dairy.]
Asa Miss Mary, I wish you'd leave off those everlasting dairy fixings, and come and take a hand of chat along with me.
Mary What, and leave my work? Why, when you first came here, you thought I could not be too industrious.
Asa Well, I think so yet, Miss Mary, but I've got a heap to say to you, and I never can talk while you're moving about so spry among them pans, pails and cheeses. First you raise one hand and then the other, and well, it takes the gumption right our of me.
Mary [Brings sewing down.] Well, then, I'll sit here-- [sits on bench with Asa, vis-a-vis.] Well now, will that do?
Asa Well, no, Miss Mary, that won't do, neither; them eyes of yourn takes my breath away.
Mary What will I do, then?
Asa Well, I don't know, Miss Mary, but, darn me, if you could do anything that wasn't so tarnal neat and handsome, that a fellow would want to keep on doing nothing else all the time.
Mary Well, then, I'll go away. [Rises.]
Asa [Stopping her.] No, don't do that, Miss Mary, for then I'll be left in total darkness. [She sits.] Somehow I feel kinder lost, if I haven't got you to talk to. Now that I've got the latitude and longitude of all them big folks, found out the length of every lady's foot, and the soft spot on everybody's head, they can't teach me nothing; but here, [Whittling.] here I come to school.
Mary Then throw away that stick, and put away