Our American Cousin [2]
to find you out, and he should arrive almost as soon as this letter. Receive him kindly for the sake of the kindness he has shown to me, and let him see some of our shooting.'' Your affectionate brother, NED.
Sir E An American branch of the family.
Mrs M Oh, how interesting!
Aug [Enthusiastically.] How delightfully romantic! I can imagine the wild young hunter. An Apollo of the prairie.
Flo An Apollo of the prairie; yes, with a strong nasal twang, and a decided taste for tobacco and cobblers.
Sir E Florence, you forget that he is a Trenchard, and no true Trenchard would have a liking for cobblers or low people of that kind.
Flo I hate him, whatever he is, coming here to rob poor cousin Mary of her grandmother's guineas.
Sir E Florence, how often must I request you not to speak of Mary Meredith as your cousin?
Flo Why, she is my cousin, is she not? Besides she presides over her milk pail like a duchess playing dairymaid. [Sir E. goes up.] Ah! Papa won't hear me speak of my poor cousin, and then I'm so fond of syllabubs. Dundreary, do you know what syllabubs are?
Dun Oh, yeth, I know what syllabubs is--yeth--yeth.
Flo Why, I don't believe you do know what they are.
Dun Not know what syllabubs are? That's a good idea. Why they are-- syllabubs are--they are only babies, idiotic children; that's a good idea, that's good. [Bumps head against Florence.]
Flo No, it's not a bit like the idea. What you mean are called cherubims.
Dun What, those things that look like oranges, with wings on them?
Flo Not a bit like it. Well, after luncheon you must go with me and I'll introduce you to my cousin Mary and syllabubs.
Dun I never saw Mr. Syllabubs, I am sure.
Flo Well, now, don't forget.
Dun I never can forget--when I can recollect.
Flo Then recollect that you have an appointment with me after luncheon.
Dun Yeth, yeth.
Flo Well, what have you after luncheon?
Dun Well, sometimes I have a glass of brandy with an egg in it, sometimes a run 'round the duck-pond, sometimes a game of checkers-- that's for exercise, and perhaps a game of billiards.
Flo No, no; you have with me after luncheon, an ap--an ap--
Dun An ap-- an ap--
Flo An ap--an appoint--appointment.
Dun An ointment, that's the idea. [Knocks against De Boots as they go up stage.]
Mrs M [Aside.] That artful girl has designs upon Lord Dundreary. Augusta, dear, go and see how your poor, dear sister is this morning.
Aug Yes, mamma. [Exit, L. 1 E.]
Mrs M She is a great sufferer, my dear.
Dun Yeth, but a lonely one.
Flo What sort of a night had she?
Mrs M Oh, a very refreshing one, thanks to the draught you were kind enough to prescribe for her, Lord Dundreary.
Flo What! Has Lord Dundreary been prescribing for Georgina?
Dun Yeth. You see I gave her a draught that cured the effect of the draught, and that draught was a draft that didn't pay the doctor's bill. Didn't that draught--
Flo Good gracious! what a number of draughts. You have almost a game of draughts.
Dun Ha! ha! ha!
Flo What's the matter?
Dun That wath a joke, that wath.
Flo Where's the joke? [Dundreary screams and turns to Mrs. M.]
Mrs M No.
Dun She don't see it. Don't you see--a game of drafts-- pieces of wound wood on square pieces of leather. That's the idea. Now, I want to put your brains to the test. I want to ask you a whime.
Flo A whime, what's that?
Dun A whime is a widdle, you know.
Flo A widdle!
Dun Yeth; one of those things, like--why is so and so or somebody like somebody else.
Flo Oh, I see, you mean a conundrum.
Dun Yeth, a drum, that's the idea. What is it gives a cold in the head, cures a cold, pays the doctor's bill and makes the home-guard look for substitutes? [Florence repeats it.] Yeth, do you give it up?
Flo Yes.
Dun Well, I'll tell you--a draught. Now I've got a better one that that: When is a dog's tail not a dog's tail? [Florence repeats. During this Florence, Mrs. M. and Dundreary
Sir E An American branch of the family.
Mrs M Oh, how interesting!
Aug [Enthusiastically.] How delightfully romantic! I can imagine the wild young hunter. An Apollo of the prairie.
Flo An Apollo of the prairie; yes, with a strong nasal twang, and a decided taste for tobacco and cobblers.
Sir E Florence, you forget that he is a Trenchard, and no true Trenchard would have a liking for cobblers or low people of that kind.
Flo I hate him, whatever he is, coming here to rob poor cousin Mary of her grandmother's guineas.
Sir E Florence, how often must I request you not to speak of Mary Meredith as your cousin?
Flo Why, she is my cousin, is she not? Besides she presides over her milk pail like a duchess playing dairymaid. [Sir E. goes up.] Ah! Papa won't hear me speak of my poor cousin, and then I'm so fond of syllabubs. Dundreary, do you know what syllabubs are?
Dun Oh, yeth, I know what syllabubs is--yeth--yeth.
Flo Why, I don't believe you do know what they are.
Dun Not know what syllabubs are? That's a good idea. Why they are-- syllabubs are--they are only babies, idiotic children; that's a good idea, that's good. [Bumps head against Florence.]
Flo No, it's not a bit like the idea. What you mean are called cherubims.
Dun What, those things that look like oranges, with wings on them?
Flo Not a bit like it. Well, after luncheon you must go with me and I'll introduce you to my cousin Mary and syllabubs.
Dun I never saw Mr. Syllabubs, I am sure.
Flo Well, now, don't forget.
Dun I never can forget--when I can recollect.
Flo Then recollect that you have an appointment with me after luncheon.
Dun Yeth, yeth.
Flo Well, what have you after luncheon?
Dun Well, sometimes I have a glass of brandy with an egg in it, sometimes a run 'round the duck-pond, sometimes a game of checkers-- that's for exercise, and perhaps a game of billiards.
Flo No, no; you have with me after luncheon, an ap--an ap--
Dun An ap-- an ap--
Flo An ap--an appoint--appointment.
Dun An ointment, that's the idea. [Knocks against De Boots as they go up stage.]
Mrs M [Aside.] That artful girl has designs upon Lord Dundreary. Augusta, dear, go and see how your poor, dear sister is this morning.
Aug Yes, mamma. [Exit, L. 1 E.]
Mrs M She is a great sufferer, my dear.
Dun Yeth, but a lonely one.
Flo What sort of a night had she?
Mrs M Oh, a very refreshing one, thanks to the draught you were kind enough to prescribe for her, Lord Dundreary.
Flo What! Has Lord Dundreary been prescribing for Georgina?
Dun Yeth. You see I gave her a draught that cured the effect of the draught, and that draught was a draft that didn't pay the doctor's bill. Didn't that draught--
Flo Good gracious! what a number of draughts. You have almost a game of draughts.
Dun Ha! ha! ha!
Flo What's the matter?
Dun That wath a joke, that wath.
Flo Where's the joke? [Dundreary screams and turns to Mrs. M.]
Mrs M No.
Dun She don't see it. Don't you see--a game of drafts-- pieces of wound wood on square pieces of leather. That's the idea. Now, I want to put your brains to the test. I want to ask you a whime.
Flo A whime, what's that?
Dun A whime is a widdle, you know.
Flo A widdle!
Dun Yeth; one of those things, like--why is so and so or somebody like somebody else.
Flo Oh, I see, you mean a conundrum.
Dun Yeth, a drum, that's the idea. What is it gives a cold in the head, cures a cold, pays the doctor's bill and makes the home-guard look for substitutes? [Florence repeats it.] Yeth, do you give it up?
Flo Yes.
Dun Well, I'll tell you--a draught. Now I've got a better one that that: When is a dog's tail not a dog's tail? [Florence repeats. During this Florence, Mrs. M. and Dundreary