Our American Cousin [22]
which I don't hexactly like sitting down with clerks. But Mr. H'Asa wished it and Mr. Coyle hadn't any objections, so in course I put my feelings in my pocket, besides, Murcott is a man of hedication, though unfortunately taken to drink. Well, what of that, it's been many a man's misfortune, though I say it, what shouldn't say it, being a butler. But now to join my distinguished party. [Exit, R. 1 E.]
Scene 3.--Wine cellar in 3.
Coyle, Murcott and Binny discovered. Table L., with two cups and bottles. Coyle L. of table, seated. Binny back of table. Murcott sitting on barrel, R. Door in flat with staircase discovered, dark. Stage half dark. Candles on table, lighted.
Coyle A capital glass of wine, Mr. Binny, and a capital place to drink it.
Asa [Without.] Bring a light here, can't you. I've broken my natural allowance of shins already.
Enters D. in F., down stairs.
Asa [To Murcott.] Is he tight yet?
Mur Histered, but not quite gone yet.
Coyle Oh, Mr. Trenchard, glad to see you, to welcome you to the vaults of your ancestors.
Asa Oh! these are the vaults of my ancestors, are they? Wal, you seem to be punishing their spirits pretty well.
Binny Wines, Mr. Asa? The spirits are in the houter cellar.
Coyle Oh, Mr. Asa, there is no place like a wine cellar for a hearty bout. Here you might bawl yourself hoarse beneath these ribs of stone, and nobody hear you. [He shouts and sings very loud.]
Asa Oh, wouldn't they hear you? [Aside.] That's worth knowing.
Binny [Very drunk--rising.] That's right, Mr. Coyle, make as much noise as you like, you are in the cellars of Trenchard Manor, Mr. Coyle. Mr. Coyle, bless you, Mr. Coyle. Mr. Coyle, why his hit Mr. Coyle, I am sitting at the present time, in this present distinguished company? I will tell you, Mr. Coyle, hit his because Hi always hacts and conducts myself has becomes a gentleman, hand Hi knows what's due to manners. [Falls in chair.]
Asa Steady, old hoss, steady.
Binny Hi'm steady. Hi always was steady. [Staggers across to L.H.] Hi'm going to fetch clean glasses. [Exit, L. 3 R.]
Asa Now, Mr. Coyle, suppose you give us a song.
Coyle [Very drunk.] I can't sing, Mr. Trenchard, but I sometimes join in the chorus.
Asa Wal, give us a chorus.
Coyle Will you assist in the vocalization thereof?
Asa [Mimicing.] Will do the best of my endeavors thereunto.
Coyle [Sings.] ``We won't go home till morning.'' Repeat. Repeat [Falls off chair, senseless.]
Asa [Finishing the strain.] ``I don't think you'll go home at all.'' Now, then, quick, Murcott, before the butler comes back, get his keys. [Murcott gets keys from Coyle's pocket and throws them to Asa.] Is this all?
Mur No; the key of his private bureau is on his watch chain, and I can't get it off.
Asa Take watch and all.
Mur No; he will accuse us of robbing him.
Asa Never mind, I'll take the responsibility. [Coyle moves.]
Mur He is getting up.
Asa Well, darn me, knock him down again.
Mur I can't.
Asa Can't you? Well, I can.
[Pulls Murcott away. Knocks Coyle down; is going towards D. in F., meets Binny with tray and glasses; kicks it, knocks Binny down and exits up staircase, followed by Murcott, carrying candle. Dark state. Binny rises; Coyle ditto. Blindly encounter each other and pummel soundly till change.
Quick Change
Scene 4--Chamber in 1, same as Scene 2.
Enter Dundreary and Vernon, L. 1 E. Dundreary stops, C., and is seized with an inclination to sneeze. Motions with his hand to Vernon.
Ver My lord! [Business Dundreary sneezing.] Your lordship! [Dundreary same bus. Louder.] My lord!
Dun There you go; now you've spoiled it.
Ver Spoiled what, my lord?
Dun Spoiled what? why a most magnificent sneeze.
Ver I'm very sorry to interrupt your lordship's sneeze, but I merely wanted to express my gratitude to you for getting me a ship.
Dun Sir, I don't want your gratitude, I only want to sneeze.
Ver Very well, my lord, then
Scene 3.--Wine cellar in 3.
Coyle, Murcott and Binny discovered. Table L., with two cups and bottles. Coyle L. of table, seated. Binny back of table. Murcott sitting on barrel, R. Door in flat with staircase discovered, dark. Stage half dark. Candles on table, lighted.
Coyle A capital glass of wine, Mr. Binny, and a capital place to drink it.
Asa [Without.] Bring a light here, can't you. I've broken my natural allowance of shins already.
Enters D. in F., down stairs.
Asa [To Murcott.] Is he tight yet?
Mur Histered, but not quite gone yet.
Coyle Oh, Mr. Trenchard, glad to see you, to welcome you to the vaults of your ancestors.
Asa Oh! these are the vaults of my ancestors, are they? Wal, you seem to be punishing their spirits pretty well.
Binny Wines, Mr. Asa? The spirits are in the houter cellar.
Coyle Oh, Mr. Asa, there is no place like a wine cellar for a hearty bout. Here you might bawl yourself hoarse beneath these ribs of stone, and nobody hear you. [He shouts and sings very loud.]
Asa Oh, wouldn't they hear you? [Aside.] That's worth knowing.
Binny [Very drunk--rising.] That's right, Mr. Coyle, make as much noise as you like, you are in the cellars of Trenchard Manor, Mr. Coyle. Mr. Coyle, bless you, Mr. Coyle. Mr. Coyle, why his hit Mr. Coyle, I am sitting at the present time, in this present distinguished company? I will tell you, Mr. Coyle, hit his because Hi always hacts and conducts myself has becomes a gentleman, hand Hi knows what's due to manners. [Falls in chair.]
Asa Steady, old hoss, steady.
Binny Hi'm steady. Hi always was steady. [Staggers across to L.H.] Hi'm going to fetch clean glasses. [Exit, L. 3 R.]
Asa Now, Mr. Coyle, suppose you give us a song.
Coyle [Very drunk.] I can't sing, Mr. Trenchard, but I sometimes join in the chorus.
Asa Wal, give us a chorus.
Coyle Will you assist in the vocalization thereof?
Asa [Mimicing.] Will do the best of my endeavors thereunto.
Coyle [Sings.] ``We won't go home till morning.'' Repeat. Repeat [Falls off chair, senseless.]
Asa [Finishing the strain.] ``I don't think you'll go home at all.'' Now, then, quick, Murcott, before the butler comes back, get his keys. [Murcott gets keys from Coyle's pocket and throws them to Asa.] Is this all?
Mur No; the key of his private bureau is on his watch chain, and I can't get it off.
Asa Take watch and all.
Mur No; he will accuse us of robbing him.
Asa Never mind, I'll take the responsibility. [Coyle moves.]
Mur He is getting up.
Asa Well, darn me, knock him down again.
Mur I can't.
Asa Can't you? Well, I can.
[Pulls Murcott away. Knocks Coyle down; is going towards D. in F., meets Binny with tray and glasses; kicks it, knocks Binny down and exits up staircase, followed by Murcott, carrying candle. Dark state. Binny rises; Coyle ditto. Blindly encounter each other and pummel soundly till change.
Quick Change
Scene 4--Chamber in 1, same as Scene 2.
Enter Dundreary and Vernon, L. 1 E. Dundreary stops, C., and is seized with an inclination to sneeze. Motions with his hand to Vernon.
Ver My lord! [Business Dundreary sneezing.] Your lordship! [Dundreary same bus. Louder.] My lord!
Dun There you go; now you've spoiled it.
Ver Spoiled what, my lord?
Dun Spoiled what? why a most magnificent sneeze.
Ver I'm very sorry to interrupt your lordship's sneeze, but I merely wanted to express my gratitude to you for getting me a ship.
Dun Sir, I don't want your gratitude, I only want to sneeze.
Ver Very well, my lord, then