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JEKYLL: Who’s Mr. Hyde?

WHITEFEET: From the famous story, “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,” by Clare Boothe Luce.

JEKYLL: I never heard of it.

WHITEFEET: Your name is Jekyll, and you never heard of one of the most famous stories in all of our literature—a story with your own name in it?

JEKYLL: I don’t make you feel like something the cat drug in because you don’t know any chemistry. Don’t you make me feel like something the cat drug in because I don’t know any literature.

WHITEFEET: It’s about a man who discovers a substance that changes his whole personality and appearance when he drinks it. He changes from nice Dr. Jekyll to terrible Mr. Hyde.

JEKYLL: He drinks it himself?

WHITEFEET: And becomes a monster.

JEKYLL: Doesn’t give it to somebody else. He drinks it himself.

WHITEFEET: That’s right.

JEKYLL: [Inspired] Boy—that’s what I call balls.

[Cheers come from the theater as SALLY delivers the good news.]

JERRY: [Off, far away] That’s it, kids! Jekyll and Hyde!

CURTAIN

• • •

SCENE 3: THE BARE STAGE OF THE MILDRED PEASELY BANG-TREE MEMORIAL THEATER—A FEW MINUTES LATER.

[At the rise: All the students, except for JERRY, SALLY, KIM-BERLY, and SAM, are onstage. They are excited about doing Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. POPS is looking on. The girls are still in nightgowns.

Accompanied by scary music, they experiment with turning into monsters, uttering maniacal laughs, and generally trying to scare the hell out of each other.

JERRY, SALLY, KIMBERLY, and SAM enter, loaded down with Victorian costumes and props.]

JERRY: Okay, kids—we found all this stuff in the costume loft. Come and get it.

[They throw down the costumes, and people set about clothing themselves, including SALLY, KIMBERLY, and SAM.]

POPS: Can I pick a costume, too?

JERRY: No. You’re perfect as you are. We need a comedy cop.

POPS: [Offended] There’s real bullets in my gun.

JERRY: You’re kidding! They shouldn’t trust you with a squirt gun loaded with lemonade!

POPS: Thanks a lot.

JERRY: Any time.

[LEGHORN enters from the wings, impressed by a machine he has seen back there.]

LEGHORN: Mind if I watch you geniuses work?

JERRY: Glad to have you, Dad.

[Everybody but JERRY and LEGHORN and POPS turns his or her back to the audience, and applies monster makeup, becoming Dracula or Frankenstein or Wolfman or whatever.]

LEGHORN: You can stop calling me that. Your mother and I have filed for divorce.

JERRY: Well, whoever you are, take a seat somewhere.

LEGHORN: There’s a hell of a machine back here. Looks like one of my old industrial chicken roasters—from the early days.

[Jerry has a look, is thrilled.]

JERRY: Oh, boy! A fog machine—left over from our rock and roll version of Macbeth.

LEGHORN: Some boat whistles, too.

JERRY: Left over from our rock and roll version of The Old Man and the Sea. [He takes his place stage center.] Okay, gang—face this way, please.

[Everybody faces him—with horrifying effect.]

JERRY: Oh, no—everybody can’t be the monster!

SALLY: But everybody loves monsters so.

[This starts off a production number about how everybody loves monsters, but that not everybody is lucky enough to be a monster, that some people have to be good-looking and therefore hated by everyone, and so on.]

JERRY: Gee—I wonder how the real-life Jekyll is doing over in the lab?

LEGHORN: He can’t even light a Bunsen burner, if you ask me.

CURTAIN

• • •

SCENE 4: DR. JEKYLL’S LABORATORY—A FEW MINUTES LATER.

[At the rise: Idiotic rock music can be heard coming from the theater through the open window. It consists of a repetition of “Jekyll and Hyde! whoe whoe, baby, good old Jekyll and Hyde!” JEKYLL is alone, happily adding LSD and the unknown diet supplement for chickens and so forth to a large beaker, which is giving off unwholesome fumes.

JEKYLL closes the window, shutting out the music. He continues about his business, singing to himself, to the tune of “Humor-esque.”]

JEKYLL: [Singing] We were walking through