Party Girl_ A Novel - Anna David [0]
A NOVEL
ANNA DAVID
FOR ALL THE PARTY GIRLS OUT THERE—
AND ALL THOSE WHO PUT UP WITH THIS ONE
“Silly things do cease to be silly if
they are done by sensible people
in an impudent way.”
—JANE AUSTEN
“My girl wants to party all the time,
Party all the time,
Party all the time…”
—EDDIE MURPHY
Contents
Epigraph
1
It is a truth universally acknowledged that crazy things happen…
2
Back in L.A., Stephanie asks me about the wedding and…
3
I’m just finishing a “Where Are They Now?” story on…
4
I’m in Brian’s office, griping about how I pitched something…
5
“Can we please concoct some reason we have to move…
6
When I wake up later that afternoon, things seem a…
7
While I really did convince myself that Chad Milan could…
8
My first instinct when I see Stephanie standing at my…
9
I read everything I can find about Kane on the…
10
Kane has one of those video camera doorbell things that…
11
“It’s completely unfair,” I say to Mom. “I mean, I…
12
I’ve always heard about how people come to and have…
13
When we pull up at Pledges, I marvel over what…
14
I’m trying to focus on reading the Pledges book when…
15
I’m not sure when rehab starts to seem like the…
16
The day I’m getting out, I decide to check the…
17
“Would you like to have your lawyer look over the…
18
I’m sitting at the Starbucks smack in the middle of…
19
“Tres belle,” Jean-Paul coos as his camera snaps away. Three…
20
I’m dreaming about signing autographs—and in the dream, my handwriting…
21
“Oh, you’re adorable!” a brunette in a wraparound Diane Von…
22
“Here we go,” Tim says as the Town Car pulls…
23
“I can’t imagine doing all of that sober,” Stephanie says…
24
When I walk in the door after a pre-Emmys party…
25
“I need to talk to you,” Justin whispers in my…
26
It’s a Sunday night, arguably the most depressing time of…
27
“He didn’t call me back,” I say into the phone…
28
“Here you go,” Stephanie says, reaching through a throng of…
29
When I come to at about three in the afternoon…
30
I spend the next week writing down my resentments, only…
31
“Amelia, we already went through this—on our hike, remember?” Stephanie…
32
“You’re something else,” Joy Behar says after she takes a…
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Copyright
About the Publisher
1
It is a truth universally acknowledged that crazy things happen at weddings. Or at least that’s what I tell myself as my activities segue from outrageous to risqué to downright depraved.
There’s the bathroom blow job incident, which I categorize as “outrageous” rather than “downright depraved,” solely due to the fact that my eighty-two-year-old stepdad walks in while I’m going down on the cousin of the bride in the poolhouse bathroom. Because of his eighty-two-ness (the stepdad, not the cousin, thankfully), he was prone to more “senior moments” than nonsenior moments—and thus is easily convinced that what had just happened never in fact happened. By the time I’m done talking to him, I’ve actually managed to convince him that not only was there no blow job, but also there had been no cousin of the bride. I’m pretty sure if I’d kept going I could have gotten him to believe there was no wedding. But the point is, in convincing my stepdad, I’m pretty sure I convince myself. And thus: outrageous, not downright depraved.
Don’t bother asking me how I go from sitting next to the cousin and finding him mildly attractive—not gorgeous, just mildly attractive, someone I might have gone out with had he asked me—to kneeling down in front of him while he sat on Mom’s bidet. It wouldn’t have been my style to have asked, “Care for a blow job in the bathroom?” At least I don’t think so. It’s possible that after a bottle or so of good wedding champagne, Amelia Stone is replaced by Paris Hilton minus the millions, plus a good twenty pounds, but since my exploits haven’t been caught on tape—note to exes, not that I know of—I can only venture this as a guess. I’d like to imagine that I happened to visit the restroom just as