Party Girl_ A Novel - Anna David [111]
“Well, I never…” Robert says, and then lapses into the muteness that seems to be his trademark. But for the first time since we met, he’s actually looking at me with kindness.
Brian glances from Robert to me and then breaks into a smile. “I’m proud of you,” he says.
The rest of my apologies go as well as can be expected. I call Chris, ask if we can meet for coffee and, at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf on Beverly, explain that I took out my own shame about my wild behavior on him and couldn’t ever be direct with him about it. I also apologize for mocking him and Mitch in my column. He nods, informs me coldly that he still thinks I’m a bitch, and all I can do is say, “You may be right.” Rachel had advised me to use those words if I ever felt like I was about to react negatively to someone while I was apologizing.
I show up at Chad Milan’s office and his assistant at first tells me he doesn’t have time to see me. Just as I’m getting up, though, Chad wanders out to the hall and says he wants to hear what I have to say just to satisfy his curiosity. I end up telling him—here in the halls of CAA, with about a trillion suits wandering by every millisecond—about my addiction and recovery. Rachel had said that I didn’t need to go and explain that I was an alcoholic to every last person I spoke to—that, in fact, it could be considered a cop-out because I might try to use that as an excuse for my behavior—but for some reason, this is how I explain it to Chad. I add that this in no way makes me feel like I’m entitled to some kind of get-out-of-jail-free card but I just wanted him to know that I think he’s a nice guy and deserved to be treated better. He doesn’t exactly throw his arms around me, but he doesn’t have me escorted out of the building, either.
I drive over to Holly’s office at Imagine but a serious-looking, bespectacled brunette is sitting where Karen used to. I ask if Holly’s available and the girl—who introduces herself as Samantha and explains that she’s a temp—says that Holly’s in meetings at Universal all day. So I sit down in the waiting room and write Holly a note, apologizing for bailing out on the job and for not giving it the energy it deserved, and adding that she should call me if she wants to discuss the matter further. I put the note in an envelope, along with her keys, that I leave with the temp.
Rachel had made it clear to me that I should make every effort to apologize in person but if there were people I couldn’t get to or felt too uncomfortable to see, it would be okay to e-mail them or write a letter. And since Justin’s voicemail is full, I send him an e-mail saying that I’m sorry for acting like his relapse was some personal slight against me, only calling him when I needed him, and essentially abandoning him the minute he told me he wasn’t sober. I also ask him to call me whenever he wants to because I’d like to say these things to him in person.
I call Rachel to tell her about the apologies I’ve made and she says I’m off to a great start. I know that I have far bigger and more terrifying apologies to make—to, say, Mom and Dad—but that I don’t have to do them now. Rachel says I’ll know when I’m ready.
As Rachel and I talk, the other line keeps ringing and I notice Nadine’s 212 number on my caller ID. She’s been trying to schedule this trip to New York for me to be on the View and I can only put her off for so long. So, even though I’m not remotely sure I can keep doing the column, I say good-bye to Rachel, then click over and tell Nadine I’m sorry I haven’t called her back but that I can go to New York whenever she wants me to.
“Fantastic, sweetie!” she trills. “They’d love to have you on tomorrow so how about the red-eye tonight?