Pathology of Lying [60]
too. The only thing I have ever been really afraid of is the dark. Then I imagine I hear people talking. I see things too. I see whole shows that I have been to. But then, as I have said, I see them when I'm awake and in the daytime. I dream about them also. Sometimes they are so real I don't know whether I'm asleep or awake. For instance, a long time ago I read Peck's Bad Boy and I can see those pictures now just as plain as when I read the book. It is always that way about what I read. The things I read I always see in pictures. It's that way with the love stories too. I used to read lots and lots of them. I like to read about murders. I can see those too. When I read about the R. murder in the papers lately I just felt like I was there. I could see everything he did. I don't know why I like to read such things so much. It was the same way last winter. I read a story with suicide in it and someway I just wanted to commit suicide myself. I did go to the railroad tracks and stood around until the train came and then walked away. . . . .
``My aunt says that I am too attractive and that I stare at the men. Well, when she was with me a man did stare at me and I stared back at him. I could have turned my head away, but I'm not that kind of a girl. I'm a bad girl. Everyone believes me so and I might just as well be. When I was little in my mother's place I used to smoke and drink. I dream every night--often about men doing bad things. I wake up and sit up to see if men are there or if they are gone. My dreams are always just that plain. If I read a book I can sit down and imagine all the people are right before me. I can get it just by reading. If anybody speaks to me I jump, and it is all gone. When I go to the theatre or the nickel show I can come home and see the whole show over again. I have been that way ever since I could understand things. When I was small and people would tell me things I could imagine them right in front of me. Even now I will be sitting still and I will imagine I see my mother taking me up in the way she used to. When I came to see her she would rock me to sleep, and I can plainly see her lying in the coffin. Often I think I see my mother brought home drunk.
``If I have anything to recite in school I just think of it all the time. I dream a good deal about what that boy did and about these other things. I can sit and think of everything he did to me. I go to bed and I lie awake and think all these things and I can't get them off my mind and then I start to dreaming about them.
``There is always this trouble--my mother wasn't good and I can't be good. That's what people say, but, of course, that's not so. I know I start talking to girls about these things when they are talking to me. I sometimes think that things will come back--that the Chicago fire is coming back, and that slavery is coming back.
``About my lying? I don't know why I tell things like that about my aunt committing suicide--it just came into my head. Oh, I've got lots of things in my head. I never had any chance to forget. I can't forget at school. School does not interest me any more. That's why I want to go to work. Perhaps then I should be interested in something new.
``I used to tell lots of things that were not so out there at P. Sometimes I did it as a joke and sometimes I meant it. It is hard sometimes to tell just what is the truth, I imagine things so hard. I can remember lots that I've read.''
Amanda in several interviews went on at great length in a very rational way, but altogether the gist of her view of her case is to be found in the above. She told that she was a masturbator, as might be supposed. She feels she can't help this and never felt it was so particularly bad. Apparently it is a part of her life of imagination at night. She insisted frequently on the vividness of her mental content, and indeed was anxious to talk about her peculiarities in this respect. It was very apparent that she showed real understanding of the forces which had influenced
``My aunt says that I am too attractive and that I stare at the men. Well, when she was with me a man did stare at me and I stared back at him. I could have turned my head away, but I'm not that kind of a girl. I'm a bad girl. Everyone believes me so and I might just as well be. When I was little in my mother's place I used to smoke and drink. I dream every night--often about men doing bad things. I wake up and sit up to see if men are there or if they are gone. My dreams are always just that plain. If I read a book I can sit down and imagine all the people are right before me. I can get it just by reading. If anybody speaks to me I jump, and it is all gone. When I go to the theatre or the nickel show I can come home and see the whole show over again. I have been that way ever since I could understand things. When I was small and people would tell me things I could imagine them right in front of me. Even now I will be sitting still and I will imagine I see my mother taking me up in the way she used to. When I came to see her she would rock me to sleep, and I can plainly see her lying in the coffin. Often I think I see my mother brought home drunk.
``If I have anything to recite in school I just think of it all the time. I dream a good deal about what that boy did and about these other things. I can sit and think of everything he did to me. I go to bed and I lie awake and think all these things and I can't get them off my mind and then I start to dreaming about them.
``There is always this trouble--my mother wasn't good and I can't be good. That's what people say, but, of course, that's not so. I know I start talking to girls about these things when they are talking to me. I sometimes think that things will come back--that the Chicago fire is coming back, and that slavery is coming back.
``About my lying? I don't know why I tell things like that about my aunt committing suicide--it just came into my head. Oh, I've got lots of things in my head. I never had any chance to forget. I can't forget at school. School does not interest me any more. That's why I want to go to work. Perhaps then I should be interested in something new.
``I used to tell lots of things that were not so out there at P. Sometimes I did it as a joke and sometimes I meant it. It is hard sometimes to tell just what is the truth, I imagine things so hard. I can remember lots that I've read.''
Amanda in several interviews went on at great length in a very rational way, but altogether the gist of her view of her case is to be found in the above. She told that she was a masturbator, as might be supposed. She feels she can't help this and never felt it was so particularly bad. Apparently it is a part of her life of imagination at night. She insisted frequently on the vividness of her mental content, and indeed was anxious to talk about her peculiarities in this respect. It was very apparent that she showed real understanding of the forces which had influenced