Perfect Fifths_ A Jessica Darling Novel - Megan McCafferty [68]
“I haven’t taken as many psychology classes as you have. But it’s a well-known fact that people tend to regret the things they don’t do more than the things they do, er, do. Or say, in your case.”
“I am familiar with that research. And so I won’t have any regrets later, I need to make something very clear now.”
“And what’s that?”
[Most dramatic pause.]
“We’re not going to have sex.”
[Stifled then unrestrained laughter.]
“There is nothing even remotely funny about what I just said.”
[Another wave of laughter.]
“WHAT. IS. SO. FUNNY?”
[Throat clearing.] “You.”
“Me.? How?”
“‘We are not going to have sex.’ An announcement like that says more about what’s on your mind than what’s on my mind.”
“You did not just say that.”
“I most certainly did.”
“This is what I get for trying to handle the situation like an adult. I see I’ve overestimated you.”
“I’m the immature one here? Really? Hey, why are we even debating this issue? What’s the point? You’ve made it very clear to me that you are suffering through [throat clearing] your monthly cycle. Oh, and don’t you have a contagious disease? Though there seems to be no signs of either of these afflictions at the moment.”
[Cough. Cough. Cough.] “Your point?”
“I think I’ve made my point.”
“You suck.”
“Oh, and you accuse me of being immature.”
“You suckity suck suck.”
“All I’m saying is that you have a history of failing to make good on chaste promises.”
“What? When?”
“I recall a certain no-sex proclamation made at my locker when we were juniors in high school. After you found that poem I had written you, the one with all the Adam and Eve imagery.”
“Oh God. When I marched up to you and said, ‘We will never be naked without shame in paradise.’”
“And you were wrong.”
“I was only half wrong.”
“Half wrong? How so?”
“We were naked without shame in Pineville, not paradise.”
“Very true.”
“But this time, Marcus, I promise you I won’t be wrong.”
“You have me thoroughly convinced that I won’t be getting laid tonight. By you, anyway.”
“Were you always such a laugh riot?”
“I am only as good as the material I’m given.”
“Hear me now, Marcus. I understand that even though we’re two consenting adults, we’re exes with a very complicated history, and sharing a hotel room could seem like an invitation to Fuckfest 2010. But that is not the case here. And if you’re thinking otherwise, you’ll be better off in your own room with pay-per-view porn and a box of Kleenex.”
“Is this your way of telling me that you’ve agreed to share a room with me?”
“Yes. I agree. But in a platonic way. Which means that you cannot and will not pull shit like that whole glasses thing earlier.”
“Pull what shit on what glasses thing?”
“When you claimed that you couldn’t compliment my appearance with an indirect compliment of my appearance.”
“You seemed to like it when I said it!”
“But that was when I thought we were about to say good-bye.”
“So?”
“So I knew that it wouldn’t lead to anything untoward.”
“Untoward? Who talks like that? You really are fucking old.”
“Har-dee-har-har. And what’s more, I’ve looked in the mirror! I know my current appearance is not worthy of such compliments! I call bullshit on such flattery in both form and content!”
“I, Marcus Flutie, promise not to compliment your appearance directly or indirectly from this moment onward. And I will not refute your claim that the aforementioned flattery was illegitimate because that would be a direct violation of the promise I just made.”
“Just promise you won’t try to make this night into something it shouldn’t be.”
“I promise. I guess.”
“Marcus!”
“Okay! I promise!”
“Let’s shake on it, then.”
[Pause.]
“Yes, Jessica. Let’s.”
one
Within minutes of keying in to Room 2010, Jessica Darling surrenders herself to the mattress. She’s also helpless to the spectacle of Marcus Flutie slowly … slowly … and with great care … removing all his clothing. She wonders how far he will go. And how long she will watch.
He is waiting for a reminder to behave himself.
two
Jessica and Marcus are staying at Here EWR, the latest in a