Pets in Prospect - Malcolm D. Welshman [76]
‘Ooooh no. I’ve booked you in something much, much better than that,’ she said, crowing with glee and swinging back and forth on her stool to such an extent that I thought she’d become airborne any moment. ‘Mrs Smethurst’s got a cockatoo.’
And what a moth-eaten specimen Liza turned out to be.
‘Yes, I’m afraid she is a bit of a mess,’ apologised Mrs Smethurst, sliding the large parrot cage on to the consulting table.
‘Almost ready for the oven,’ I joked unwisely as the almost naked cockatoo waddled up and down her perch.
‘Everyone cracks that one,’ sighed Mrs Smethurst, ‘but it’s beyond a joke. Liza simply won’t stop pulling her feathers out. We’re getting quite desperate.’ Her pert nose gave a rabbit-like twitch.
The cockatoo raised her crest and bobbed her head at me. That head was still quite appealing with its white cheeks and crest feathers dusted with yellow. But the only other feathers remaining were the half-chewed ones on her wings and tail. In between, nothing – not a single feather to cover her nakedness. Just a sea of skin – grey, pimply and utterly repulsive.
‘So how long has she been feather plucking?’ I asked.
‘I guess it must be about three months now … ever since my sister went to Australia. Liza was hers, really.’
‘And how long had she owned her?’
There was another rabbit twitch of the nose. ‘Must have been at least four years. More likely five.’
‘And no problems during that time?’
‘None whatsoever. My sister adored the bird. They were seldom out of each other’s sight.’
‘I’d say that’s the most likely reason then. A psychosomatic disorder.’
Mrs Smethurst’s forehead furrowed in confusion.
I explained, ‘Liza’s missing your sister … she needs some distractions.’
She’s not the only one, I thought, averting my eyes from Mrs Smethurst’s denim shirt unbuttoned to her cleavage. I took a deep breath and expanded on my plan of action.
Over the ensuing weeks, Mrs Smethurst inundated Liza with plastic ducks and budgies; all fell easy prey to her beak. Lengths of chain were shortened by the hour, their links dextrously unpicked. A toy bell barely managed a tinkle before it cracked up.
‘Don’t know about the bell, but I could wring her neck,’ complained Mrs Smethurst as Liza continued to chew her feather stumps.
‘Try a mirror,’ I suggested.
One was placed next to Liza’s cage – useless. She just watched herself plucking, occasionally strutting up to the mirror to peer at her reflection as if to see what remaining feathers she could yank out.
‘Change the food and water hoppers around every day.’
Liza found herself climbing up to reach her peanuts, climbing down for some fruit, up again for a drink. No good.
‘Reposition her perches.’
They were raised, lowered, sloped to the right, sloped to the left … still she plucked.
‘Add some more.’
Extra were crammed in – different woods, smaller twigs, bigger branches. Her cage became like the Forest of Arden. It might have been ‘As She Liked It’ for Liza, with her in the centre of the glade merrily plucking, not a lyre, but the vestiges of her plumage. But if I could have struck a cord, it would have been one thrown over a bough of a Greenwood tree while I hummed a merry note as it was tied round Liza’s throat. The bird was driving me nuts.
‘Try putting her cage in a different place every day.’
‘Have done – even the bathroom. But those beady eyes staring at me. So embarrassing. Besides which, she started imitating the cistern, amongst other things.’ Mrs Smethurst’s cheeks flushed. ‘But it hasn’t done the slightest bit of good as you can see.’
Indeed, I could see. No good at all.
The facts were before me – bare facts. Liza waddled across her perch, raised the three remaining feathers on her crest and puffed out her chest in all its naked glory.
‘I’m afraid we’ll have to resort to an Elizabethan collar,’ I sighed. ‘She won’t like it though.’
‘No, she won’t,’ echoed Lucy as I showed her how to cut out a circle of plastic from some old X-ray film before she helped me loop it round Liza’s neck to form a cone. ‘See?’
The cockatoo craned her neck out and gave