pg28948 [36]
He turned away, white to the gills.
"It's not so very bad," said the midwife.
He knew he was a strain on his wife. He went downstairs.
The child glanced up at him, frightened.
"I want my mother," she quavered.
"Ay, but she's badly," he said mildly, unheeding.
She looked at him with lost, frightened eyes.
"Has she got a headache?"
"No—she's going to have a baby."
The child looked round. He was unaware of her. She was alone again in terror.
"I want my mother," came the cry of panic.
"Let Tilly undress you," he said. "You're tired."
There was another silence. Again came the cry of labour.
"I want my mother," rang automatically from the wincing, panic-stricken child, that felt cut off and lost in a horror of desolation.
Tilly came forward, her heart wrung.
"Come an' let me undress her then, pet-lamb," she crooned. "You s'll have your mother in th' mornin', don't you fret, my duckie; never mind, angel."
But Anna stood upon the sofa, her back to the wall.
"I want my mother," she cried, her little face quivering, and the great tears of childish, utter anguish falling.
"She's poorly, my lamb, she's poorly to-night, but she'll be better by mornin'. Oh, don't cry, don't cry, love, she doesn't want you to cry, precious little heart, no, she doesn't."
Tilly took gently hold of the child's skirts. Anna snatched back her dress, and cried, in a little hysteria:
"No, you're not to undress me—I want my mother,"—and her child's face was running with grief and tears, her body shaken.
"Oh, but let Tilly undress you. Let Tilly undress you, who loves you, don't be wilful to-night. Mother's poorly, she doesn't want you to cry."
The child sobbed distractedly, she could not hear.
"I want—my—mother," she wept.
"When you're undressed, you s'll go up to see your mother—when you're undressed, pet, when you've let Tilly undress you, when you're a little jewel in your nightie, love. Oh, don't you cry, don't you—"
Brangwen sat stiff in his chair. He felt his brain going tighter. He crossed over the room, aware only of the maddening sobbing.
"Don't make a noise," he said.
And a new fear shook the child from the sound of his voice. She cried mechanically, her eyes looking watchful through her tears, in terror, alert to what might happen.
"I want—my—mother," quavered the sobbing, blind voice.
A shiver of irritation went over the man's limbs. It was the utter, persistent unreason, the maddening blindness of the voice and the crying.
"You must come and be undressed," he said, in a quiet voice that was thin with anger.
And he reached his hand and grasped her. He felt her body catch in a convulsive sob. But he too was blind, and intent, irritated into mechanical action. He began to unfasten her little apron. She would have shrunk from him, but could not. So her small body remained in his grasp, while he fumbled at the little buttons and tapes, unthinking, intent, unaware of anything but the irritation of her. Her body was held taut and resistant, he pushed off the little dress and the petticoats, revealing the white arms. She kept stiff, overpowered, violated, he went on with his task. And all the while she sobbed, choking:
"I want my mother."
He was unheedingly silent, his face stiff. The child was now incapable of understanding, she had become a little, mechanical thing of fixed will. She wept, her body convulsed, her voice repeating the same cry.
"Eh, dear o' me!" cried Tilly, becoming distracted herself. Brangwen, slow, clumsy, blind, intent, got off all the little garments, and stood the child naked in its shift upon the sofa.
"Where's her nightie?" he asked.
Tilly brought it, and he put it on her. Anna did not move her limbs to his desire. He had to push them into place. She stood, with fixed, blind will, resistant, a small, convulsed, unchangeable thing weeping ever and repeating the same phrase. He lifted one foot after the other, pulled off slippers and socks. She was ready.
"Do you want a drink?" he asked.
She did