Please Look After Mom - Kyung-Sook Shin [61]
“Father?”
It’s your elder daughter.
“Father?”
“Yes.”
“What took you so long to answer? Why didn’t you answer your cell?”
“What’s going on?”
“I was shocked when I called Hyong-chol’s house yesterday.… Why did you go home? You should have told me. You can’t leave like that and not pick up the phone.”
Your daughter must have just found out that you came home.
“I was sleeping.”
“Sleeping? The whole time?”
“I guess so.”
“What are you going to do there by yourself?”
“Just in case she comes here.”
Your daughter is quiet. You swallow, your throat dry.
“Should I come down?”
Of all the children, Chi-hon is the most energetic in looking for your wife. It’s probably partly because she’s single. The Yokchon-dong pharmacist was the last person to call to say he’d seen someone like your wife. Your son placed more newspaper ads, but there have been no more leads. Even the police said they’d done everything they could, and could only wait for someone to call, but your daughter went from emergency room to emergency room each night, checking on every patient without family.
“No … Just call if you hear anything.”
“If you’d rather not be alone, come right back up, Father. Or ask Aunt to come stay with you.”
Your daughter’s voice sounds strange. As if she has been drinking. It sounds as if she’s slurring her words.
“Have you been drinking?”
“Just a couple of drinks.” She’s about to hang up.
Drinking until these morning hours? You call her name urgently. She answers, her voice low. Your hand holding the phone grows damp. Your legs give way. “That day, your mom wasn’t well enough to go to Seoul. We shouldn’t have gone to Seoul.… The day before, she had a headache and rested her head in a basin filled with ice. She couldn’t hear anyone calling her. At night, I found her with her head in the freezer. She was in a lot of pain. Even though she forgot to make breakfast, she said we had to go to Seoul—you were all waiting for us. But I should have said no. I think my judgment is getting worse because I’m old. One part of me thought, this time in Seoul, we would force her to go to the hospital.… And with someone like that, I should have held on to her.… I didn’t treat her like a sick person, and as soon as we got to Seoul I just walked ahead.… My old habit just took over. That’s how it happened.” The words you couldn’t say to your children spill out of your mouth.
“Father …”
You listen.
“I think everyone’s forgotten about Mom. Nobody’s calling. Do you know why Mom had such a headache that day? It’s because I was a bitch. She said so.” Your daughter’s voice slurs.
“Your mom did?”
“Yes … I didn’t think I could come to the birthday party, so I called from China and asked what she was doing, and she said she was pouring liquor into a bottle. For the youngest. You know he likes to drink. I don’t know. It wasn’t even worth it, but I got so angry. He really has to quit drinking.… Mom was bringing it because it’s something her baby likes. So I said to Mom, Don’t take that heavy thing; if he drinks it and makes a scene, it’s going to be your fault, so please be smart about it. Mom said, weakly, You’re right, and said she would go into town and get some rice cakes—she always brings rice cakes for your birthday. So I said, Don’t, nobody eats those rice cakes anyway, and we just take them home and put them in the freezer. I told her not to act like a country bumpkin, she should just go to Seoul without bringing anything. She asked me if I really stuck all the rice cakes in the freezer, so I said, Yes, I even have some that are three years old. And she cried. I asked, Mom, are you crying? and she said, You’re a bitch … I told her all that so things would be easier for her. When she called me a bitch, I think I went a little crazy. It was really hot in Beijing that day. I was so angry that I yelled, Fine, I hope you’re happy that you have a bitch for a daughter! Okay, I’m a bitch! and hung up on her.”
You’re silent.
“Mom hates it when we yell … and we always yell at her.