Possessing the Secret of Joy - Alice Walker [30]
And yet it is from this time, before circumcision, that you remember pleasure?
When I was little I used to stroke myself, which was taboo. And then, when I was older, and before we married, Adam and I used to make love in the fields. Which was also taboo. Doing it in the fields, I mean. And because we practiced cunnilingus.
Did you experience orgasm?
Always.
And yet you willingly gave this up in order to… Raye was frowning in disbelief.
I completed the sentence for her: To be accepted as a real woman by the Olinka people; to stop the jeering. Otherwise I was a thing. Worse, because of my friendship with Adam’s family and my special relationship to him, I was never trusted, considered a potential traitor, even. Besides, Our Leader, our Jesus Christ, said we must keep all our old ways and that no Olinka man—in this he echoed the great liberator Kenyatta—would even think of marrying a woman who was not circumcised.
But Adam was not Olinkan, said Raye, puzzled.
I sighed. The boulder was gone, but speech itself suddenly felt quite hopeless. I never thought of marrying Adam, I said, firmly, and watched the surprise in her eyes. I married him because he was loyal, gentle and familiar. Because he came for me. And because I found I could not fight with the wound tradition had given me. I could hardly walk.
But who…? Raye began, even more perplexed.
At last I found a cool smile forming on my tense face. I smiled at the young innocent, ignorant girl I’d been. The boulder now not only had rolled off my tongue but was rolling quite rapidly away from me toward the door. Like every Olinka maiden, I said, I was in love with the perfect lover who already had three wives. The perfect lover and father and brother who had been so cruelly taken from us, but whose laughing eyes we saw in the photograph he’d left us, and whose sweetly tempting voice we heard on cassette in the night. Poor Adam! He couldn’t hold a candle to Our Leader, the real—to us—Jesus Christ.
ADAM
THE OLINKANS SPOKE of “Our Leader” with exactly the fervor we wished them to speak of “Our Lord.” There were always tales of his exploits drifting through the village, his “miracles” of ambush and derring-do against the whites. He seemed like Christ to the villagers except for one thing: his acceptance of violence as a means to the end of African oppression. He was called “Our Leader” because the white regime made it a crime to say his name aloud. There were men walking about in every Olinka village whose backs bore the scars of their forgetfulness or defiance of this edict. And when these men spoke of “Our Leader,” an especially harsh protectiveness and anger blazed in their eyes. In fact, it became increasingly frightening to try to talk to them about Christ at all. Our Christ. Our white, pacifist leader safely dead.
PART EIGHT
LISETTE
WHEN PIERRE TURNED SEVENTEEN and had completed his studies at the lycée, nothing could prevent him from going to America to be nearer his father. He is thoughtful, curly-haired, golden. In France, people assume he is Algerian. I sent him to Harvard. Why not? As I tell my friends, since Pierre is my only expense, I can afford to be lavish with him. But it is more than that. Because he has grown up virtually without a father, I feel compelled to compensate.
When Evelyn learned of my pregnancy with little Pierre, as Adam and I and my parents used to call him, she flew into a rage that subsided into a years-long deterioration and rancorous depression. She tried to kill herself. She spoke of murdering their son. I felt badly for Adam. He had not intended to have a child with me. It was I who wanted a baby. I who did not want, except occasionally, a man. Perhaps I was simply swept along by the winds of change that were blowing over women’s lives in France, thanks to women like my suffragist grandmother and writers like Simone de Beauvoir, whose book The Second Sex put the world I knew into a perspective I could more easily comprehend, if not control. Prior to