Practical Magic - Alice Hoffman [63]
Gillian got herself a bottle of fancy water, and when she turned she saw that the rabbit had followed her.
“Go away,” she told him, but he wouldn’t.
Buddy had taken to Gillian in a major way. He thumped his leg, the way rabbits in love always do. He paid no attention to her frown, or the fact that she waved her hands at him, as if he were a cat to be shooed away. He trailed behind her into the living room. When Gillian stopped, Buddy sat down on the rug and looked up at her.
“You quit this right now,” Gillian said.
She wagged her finger and glared at him, but Buddy stayed where he was. He had big brown eyes that were rimmed with pink. He looked serious and dignified, even when he washed his paws with his tongue.
“You’re just a rodent,” Gillian told him. “That’s all you are.”
Gillian felt like crying, and why shouldn’t she? She could never live up to Ben’s version of her; she had a whole secret, horrible past to hide. She used to fuck men in parked cars just to prove she didn’t give a damn; she used to count her conquests and laugh. She sat on the couch that Ben had ordered from a catalogue when his old one became threadbare. It was a really nice couch, made out of some plum-colored corduroy fabric. Just the kind of couch Gillian would have spotted in a magazine and wanted for herself, if she had a house, or money, or even a permanent address to which she could have catalogues and magazines mailed. She wasn’t even certain that she could be in a normal relationship. What if she got tired of someone’s being nice to her? What if she couldn’t make him happy? What if Jimmy had been right and she’d asked to be hit—maybe not out loud, but in some nameless way she wasn’t aware of. What if he’d fixed it so she actually needed it now?
The rabbit hopped over and sat at her feet.
“I’m fucked up,” Gillian told him.
She curled up on the couch and wept, but even that didn’t scare the rabbit away. Buddy had spent a great deal of time at the children’s ward at the hospital over on the Turnpike. Every Saturday, during Ben’s magic act, he was pulled out of a hat that was old and smelled of alfalfa and sweat. Buddy was used to bright lights and people crying, and he was always well behaved. He had never once bitten a child, not even when he’d been poked or teased. Now, he rose onto his back legs and balanced carefully, just as he’d been taught.
“Don’t try to cheer me up,” Gillian said, but all the same he did. By the time Ben came out of the bedroom, Gillian was sitting on the floor with Buddy, feeding him some seedless grapes.
“This is one smart character,” Gillian said. The sheet she’d taken from the bed was wrapped around her carelessly and her hair was sticking out like a halo. She felt calmer now, and lighter than she had for quite a while. “Why, he can put on the floor lamp by jumping on the switch. He can hold this bottle of water between his paws and drink some without spilling a drop. No one who hadn’t seen it would believe it. Next thing I know, you’ll tell me he’s litter-trained like a cat.”
“He is.”
Ben was standing by the window, and in the pale new light he looked as if he’d slept the deep sleep of angels; no one would guess how he had panicked when he awoke to find Gillian gone from his bed. He’d been ready to run down the street, to call the police and demand a search party. In those moments when he’d climbed from his bed he’d guessed he had somehow managed to lose her, as he’d lost everything