Prayers for Bobby - Leroy Aarons [27]
Others, less exalted, had received signs. Catherine Marshall, the widow of the saintly minister Peter Marshall, wrote that she had seen her husband in a dream in a beautiful garden, and that he had looked up and said, “What are you doing here?”
There were records of many similar experiences where faith had been rewarded by divine intercession. Surely, loved ones will reveal themselves if there is an unfinished piece of their lives.
You ask for something in faith, knowing that whatever happens will be God’s will. They teach you that God answers your prayers in one of three ways: yes, no, or wait. And you are supposed to have the spiritual awareness to know which it is. Well, in her case, Mary hadn’t the slightest idea.
“I know Bobby didn’t fit here from the day one, so why did you send him to us to begin with?” she demanded.
Why did you allow him to end up hating himself? You knew what had to be done for Bobby, for anyone who’s hanging onto a rope with no knot on the end. You could have given Bobby something or someone to hang onto, but you didn’t, and you don’t for a lot of people. For a lot of people you do, and they live happily ever after. How do you make these awesome decisions? You didn’t want Bobby to live happily…so why send someone to this earth to be miserable?
Give us something we can live with, Lord, and pass on to others whose life will never be the same because of a loved one’s death, especially when loved ones are so young.
Ever since we-discovered he was gay, it’s like his life was over, and I didn’t help make it better…. So, Lord, you’re the only one with the answers to Bobby’s life, so I would appreciate your input on this whole matter especially since there are a lot of Bobbys and Janes stumbling around down here…. What’s the message Bobby left? I could say, Well, this life is just temporary anyway and they’re better off with you, Lord. But that belief does not mend broken hearts or ease the loneliness. Is time going to make me stop hurting Lord or will you! How could you let Bobby do this! I’m really selfish. Forget it, who am I, nobody!
Christmas 1984. The Lord’s birthday, and the second Christmas without Bobby. The family celebrated with determined gaiety, avoiding any allusions to the past. Mary cooked a turkey. They exchanged gifts. Mary found herself musing about the Christ child. God had sent him to liberate man from sin, the greatest mission in the history of the world, and even he at times lost sight of why he was here. How could mere mortals with one-zillionth the amount of insight ever understand why we are placed here and why we die?
But God is about justice, she thought. Where was the justice in Bobby’s death? Or the deaths of other gay kids, for that matter. For the first time, her consciousness turned to the notion of a ministry for self-despising gay children:
“Dear Lord,” she wrote in her book a few days later,
I listen to KEAR and according to your Word, Bobby is in hell, or at least waiting his turn. I know better, Lord, but what about the kids that believe they are going there because they are gay?
I did not decide on hazel eyes for myself. Bobby did not decide he would be gay…. If you say in your Word, it’s evil and wicked to have no arms, and a child is born with no arms, what is the child to think? When he or she finds he or she is going to hell for something they have had no control over, it can put a person under maximum stress, and feeling like the scum of the earth.
You already know this, but the church here is sending innocent people to hell by the droves, or [driving them] to drugs, alcohol, sex, or in Bobby’s case, suicide. What can I do to undo my ignorance? I did it all wrong with Bobby, Lord, you know it and I know it!
She had made a major leap, probably without conscious recognition. If being gay is something one has no control over, like eye color, then to brand it a sin is unconscionable.