Prayers for Bobby - Leroy Aarons [30]
A familiar verse came to mind and she repeated it: “All things work together for good to those who love God.” She believed it. This will work out. If it’s true that he’s gay, God will heal him.
Mary told Bob when he returned from work. They knew they had to talk to Bobby as soon as possible, but hadn’t any idea how to approach the subject. They were dumbfounded. It was as if a missile had blown through the roof.
They waited until late in the evening, when the other children were asleep or in their rooms. Mary asked Bobby to come sit at the kitchen table with her. Bob joined them. The boy must have known something was coming, since this was the traditional spot for important family discussions.
There was an awkward silence. Finally, Mary began, making a clumsy effort to draw him out. “Bobby, isn’t there a problem that you need to tell us about?”
Bobby stiffened. “No,” he insisted. “What kind of problem?”
Mary persisted. “Bobby, you know there’s something wrong, and you need to tell us about it.”
Bobby squirmed. He was starting to panic. He clammed up.
Bob chimed in. “Bobby, you know if you don’t share this with us, it could blow this whole family apart.”
Bobby sat speechless and horrified. He lowered his eyes and scrunched his body as if preparing to ward off a blow.
Finally, Mary spilled it. “Bobby, it’s all right. We love you no matter what. Ed had a talk with me and he was very worried about you and he said that you told him you’re gay.”
Bobby blew up in a fit of fury and tears.
“Why couldn’t you tell us?” Mary asked.
“Because I was just too humiliated!” he cried, fleeing the room.
Bob and Mary followed, trying to calm him. Mary put her arms around him. “Bobby,” she said, “let’s go into your room and we’ll talk about it.”
They began to talk. Bobby said he had felt this way as far back as he could remember. “When I dream, I dream about men,” he said in despair. “Other guys dream of girls. I dream of men. And I enjoy it!”
Mary said, “Bobby, we can beat this. If we trust in God. Homosexuality is curable with God’s help. We’ve seen it on television, remember? It’s not a natural thing. God will help you weed it out. Healing through prayer. That’s the good news, Bobby.” She believed with total faith that a God so adamant about the abomination of homosexuality would not be so diabolical as to fail to cure her son.
They talked till four in the morning, Bobby wanting desperately to believe he could change. Bob, who didn’t buy the religious rationale, had less to say, as usual. He knew nothing about gays except that they were shunned by most people, and he worried that Bobby was headed for a very rough time. He felt helpless, but suggested to Bobby .that he date more girls; perhaps that would help him grow out of it.
“We’ll find a counselor, Bobby,” said Mary. “Maybe there are some books. I’ll check with the church.”
“No, I don’t want anyone to know outside this house,” Bobby demanded. It was bad enough that Ed had told on him. (Bobby later told his diary that Ed’s disclosure had strained relations between them.)
Mary agreed readily. She was not eager for anyone to know, not the church, not Granny and Grandfather, none of the others. Bobby was right. It was humiliating. She did not want her family talked about in that way.
“Of course,” she said, “I won’t tell them a thing, just ask about counseling in general.”
Finally, exhausted, they went off to bed, each knowing that their lives had changed forever. Bobby, ultrasensitive, his still-developing ego paper thin, must have realized that he was at the beginning of a monumental struggle. At a time when his body was generating massive doses of hormonal stimuli, he would have to stifle his sexual impulses. His pleasure impulse would be identified with the forbidden and depraved. Worst of all, the revelation had blown apart the intimate familial contract; for all his family’s protestations of love, the bubble had ruptured and Bobby was on the outside looking in.
Mary felt invaded by an alien, unpredictable force. Of all the evils