Prayers for Bobby - Leroy Aarons [32]
For 31 days I will seek to cultivate the mind of Christ that I may discover for myself the super-life He claims to make possible. I begin the experiment today by getting on my knees and praying this prayer:
Lord God, I am so self-centered, thinking of self, dreaming of self…. With ME as the center of my life I cannot enjoy abundance in living…. The only way I can be a whole and complete person is to have YOU at the center of my life. Therefore with trust and in love I give myself to you…. And now, Lord Jesus, use Your Word to revolutionize my life…. Make me the kind of person You want me to be.
As tough as the exercise was, Bobby added on a Spartan regimen that included rising at 6:30 A.M., rigorous physical workouts, prohibition of junk foods, and a solemn promise not to pick at facial zits, which he called “adolescent casualties.”
In a six-page single-spaced typewritten prep sheet that provides a rare glimpse of Bobby’s whimsical side, he expanded the duration of the regimen to three months (October through December) and swore “in blood” to see it through, noting that “if for any reason I fail to successfully complete this experiment, grave consequences will follow.”
“This experiment is to be kept top secret until completion,” he added. “Then and only then may you exercise the right to sell the exclusive copyright to the leading publisher of your choice.”
He called the quest Operation Alter Ego, and obviously spent long hours thinking about it. “It is my goal to achieve a sense of pride and worth as a human being,” he wrote. “Despite the fact that perfection will never be a possession of mine or anyone else on earth, I believe that I have the right to discover the fact that I am a unique and special individual worthy of God’s love and worthy of seeing my dreams come true.”
He worried over perseverance, cheering himself on with such statements as “When one strays from one’s routine schedule, that’s when trouble starts…. No one likes to work. I know I don’t and I’m your average American in an average small town…. But if the goal is important enough you can and will do it…. Stick with it, and don’t give in to any tricks one might play on one’s self. If you succeed you win the whole jackpot. If you lose, it’s heartbreak hotel, baby.”
In the beginning, Bobby kept a daily record, based on the biblical verse of the day assigned by Daubenspeck. Also required was an unselfish deed of the day. One assigned verse, Romans 12:1–2, urges the giving of one’s body to God as a living sacrifice. “I apply this to myself by thinking that when I give my body to God he will keep it, not me,” Bobby wrote. “If the Lord keeps it, he will keep it clean.” His unselfish deed for that day, October 5, 1979, was to “make chocolate chip cookies for Mom.”
October 6. “Psalms 119:9–11 say a person can stay pure by reading God’s words and following its rules. It’s not that easy…. If we store the words in our hearts they will hold us back from sin. But that doesn’t work for me. I hold words in my heart and sin anyway.” Unselfish deed: “Give chickens water for Joy.”
October 8, day 7. “Don’t let anyone accuse you of the following: greed, impurity, foul talk, coarse jokes, etc. The funny thing about this passage is that they don’t tell you how not to do these things, just not to or you won’t see the kingdom of God. They don’t seem very reflective of God’s love or forgiveness.” Unselfish deed: “I can’t think of any good deeds.”
The Bible experiment didn’t make it past week one, and Operation Alter Ego didn’t make it through October. Bobby drifted to other things, like a typical adolescent. But it was part of a pattern that was to assert itself through the rest of his short life. He struggled to find the ego strength to vault the wave of negatives that threatened to overwhelm him. Again and again his resolve failed him. Again and again he struggled, literally, to survive.
Meanwhile,