Prayers for Bobby - Leroy Aarons [39]
That did not seem likely. Bobby felt increasingly uncomfortable in his father’s presence and in fact confided to his diary that this condition dated back many years.
This morning I was going to get out of bed and I heard my dad downstairs so I just laid there until he was gone. It reminds me of how when I was real little at the breakfast table I would always build a barrier between my dad and myself with the cereal box and milk carton and then I would pretend he wasn’t there.
While searching unsuccessfully for a job, Bobby made noises about joining the air force, or even the Peace Corps. Mary discouraged these ideas, worrying secretly that he would be found out as gay. Bobby filled the hours with brooding and fantasizing.
If I could have one thing in this world, anything, I would have a beautiful man to love me. Just to have a pretty man hug me and gently kiss me…. I daydream that one day I’ll be casually strolling through a store or a park and from out of nowhere will appear this dream man and our eyes will meet and we’ll live happily ever after. It’s too bad I have to be such a hopeless romantic. It will never happen that way. I’m not even sure I really want it in the first place.
Despite his longings, Bobby’s romantic encounters were generally short and abortive. They flared intensely but burned out rapidly. He lost interest, or withdrew when the other party started getting serious. They were doomed either by Bobby’s guilt or by his self-loathing, which he expressed as contempt for anyone who could be dumb enough to care for him.
Sunday, May 2. What happened was very innocent and yet I feel very guilty about the whole thing. I went to a party last night. I lied to everyone and said it was in Orinda, when it was really in Berkeley. I also said it was being thrown by one of my straight friends. Oh the evil webs we spin! Anyway, I met a lot of interesting people, one in particular. He’s tall and his boyish features were cute. So he took me to all the San Francisco nite clubs, which in itself was an unforgettable experience. Our first stop was the “White Horse,” a sleazy little bar in Berkeley. Next was the I-Beam [in San Francisco]. This was a huge steamy disco with slimy floors…. S. is a nice person. After we danced the night away we parked at the pier. It was very peaceful and quiet. Just the sound of crashing waves and crying seagulls. I wasn’t in any mood or frame of mind to enjoy it though because it was about five in the morning. I knew I had made a mistake going out and staying so late. I’m sorry, I know how much my mom and everyone worries about me. I shouldn’t do this to them. They don’t deserve it.
Anyway we parked and did what most couples do in parked cars. Big deal, innocent kid stuff, but I still feel immoral. Finally I got home at 8 A.M. and surprisingly I didn’t get into a lot of trouble. I suppose I should say, yet. They still might be plotting. Especially Joy. She knows my every move. She can see through my feeble lies like Saran wrap. But what I say is, why should I have to lie in the first place?
Caretaker Joy did keep a close lookout, and had strongly mixed feelings. She hated that Bobby lied and wondered equally why he felt the need to.
“You make me lie,” he would say.
“That’s crap,” Joy would respond. “If we drive you to a party, there’s no reason to lie and then go off somewhere else. It’s not as if Mom or I am saying, ‘Don’t do this’ or ‘Don’t do that.’ Then when you don’t come home we end up worrying ourselves sick over you.”
Her judgments were never as severely Jehovan as her mother’s, but she fretted that Bobby was doomed to unhappiness. She had trouble seeing how his lifestyle could ever fit the patterns to which she was accustomed. Sometimes she would blurt out hurtful things. “I hope you find a really nice guy, Bobby,” she once told him, with total sincerity. “But