Prayers for Bobby - Leroy Aarons [55]
It is not surprising that throughout their friendship Blainenever had the faintest inkling of Bobby’s inner turmoil. Bobby talked little about his home life, and the subject of religion apparently never came up. Blainevisited Bobby in his tiny loft on Rudgear, but he never met Mary, although he did meet Joy, Ed, and Nancy. Bobby confided to him that he had “hustled” a couple of times, but Blaine basically knew only one of Bobby’s many guises. That seemed to be enough for both of them.
As the summer waned, communication virtually ceased between Bobby and his family. Bobby felt that his “illicit” activities somehow betrayed his loyalty to the family, but at the same time he felt betrayed and resentful of the family’s assumptions about him. Mary kept trying, but Bobby closeted himself in his loft, coming down only for meals. In his tiny space the size of a small vestibule he managed to keep a bed, a dresser, a stereo, a television, and a trunk full of treasures: GQ magazines, antiques he loved collecting, cut-out pictures of Marilyn Monroe, movie books. After work he would retreat up the short flight of stairs, watch old movies on the TV, or scribble feverishly in his diary. He was having trouble sleeping.
There was tension between Bobby and his siblings as well. Bobby’s growing edginess and aggressive teasing sometimes scared Nancy, just twelve. To Joy and Ed he seemed increasingly withdrawn and sullen. He was curt, and could be cutting. Mary and Bob did not know what to do. They tended to indulge Bobby’s moods, and he learned that by playing the disturbed problem case to the hilt, he could do and get most anything he wanted.
He even rankled at the presence of his grandparents. In his diary he wrote:
Granny and Grandfather are here and I wish they’d be on their way. Granny makes me sick. She insinuates that I’m a homosexual, and of course it’s behind my back. I hate her at the moment.
I feel like running away. I can’t stand my parents or my family…. I don’t like these people I’m living with. They really bug me…. I sound like a lunatic, don’t I?…. Even though I don’t like these people I don’t want to hurt them, and if I just run away they’ll be hurt
In late summer the simmering tensions exploded.
Ed fretted over his brother. He made no moral judgments but worried that Bobby might be destined to burn in hell, that his soul was in jeopardy. At one point he caught himself thinking, “Maybe it’s not a choice. Maybe Mom’s constant nagging is a waste of time.” But he backed off fast when he suspected that his thoughts might be Satan planting the idea just to lead him astray. “That can happen, you know,” he warned himself.
But he didn’t have a lot of time to devote to the question. Between school, church, baseball, and girls, Ed wasn’t around the house much. He had his own problems. He was already twenty, and his future seemed uncertain. He longed to be a professional ballplayer yet wondered whether he was good enough. Despite his jock image and popularity, he had his doubts about his abilities and his looks. Bobby had troubles, sure, but so did everybody at this age.
That late summer day, Ed, Nancy, and Bobby were in the kitchen. Bobby was drinking wine and teasing Nancy.
“Bobby, knock it off,” Ed said. They both liked to tease Nancy, but Ed felt that Bobby, slightly sloshed, was stepping over the line.
Bobby kept it up. “I said knock it off!” Ed repeated. Bobby said something sarcastic. They began yelling at each other. Suddenly there was scuffling. The sparring moved from the kitchen to the living room to the hallway, then to the bathroom, getting more and more serious. Bobby punched Ed in the mouth. Ed punched back. Bobby reeled backward and tumbled into the bathtub.
They tussled their way to Nancy and Joy’s bedroom. Bobby, red faced and furious, stood inches from his brother, pointed to his own nose, and shouted, “Go on, hit me!” But Ed could not bring himself to do it. Bobby reached for his brother and raised him