Prayers for Bobby - Leroy Aarons [95]
I remark that learning self-esteem is a lifelong project. “You’re right,” she says. “I constantly felt I had to measure up to my husband, my God, and my mother. The diet pills I took temporarily helped me raise my self-esteem levels. It was only when I got the courage to question that I suddenly realized, ‘Wait a minute. I am a good decent human being, and always have been!’
“And that’s how most people are, including my own mother. I’ve realized, like me, she has done a lot of things out of ignorance. I don’t hold her ignorance against her.
“So many things have come out of Bobby’s death. Emotional and mental freedom, and not being afraid of life anymore. That’s the big burden taken from me. I’m just not afraid of tomorrow.”
Mary pauses to sip her black coffee. “Once my beliefs were my reality,” she says. “Now my reality forms my belief.” It is one of those sound bites with the ring of truth. But it moves me to ask, “What if Bobby had lived? Would you have changed?”
Mary sighed. “You know, I think I would have still thought he had to repent. I don’t think I would have relented.” The answer takes me aback, although I know it is perfectly logical. It makes me wonder if it will take a figurative land mine in each case to make other people change.
“You talk about self-responsibility, yet you still cast blame on the church for the way you used to be,” I say.
Mary answers, “Yes. I’m aware that I have that anger, and I try very hard to keep it under control. I’m afraid of scaring people off who really need that anchor of religion. Whatever path people choose, I can respect that now. I obviously don’t any longer view non-Christians as damned—atheists, agnostics, Buddhists, Muslims. But I can’t deny my feelings that the church knew more than I did. I was ignorant, and I think I might find a little excuse for my stupidity. But if there is blood on my hands, there’s blood on the church’s. They’re far more intelligent. They know more about Bible history, about how those cultures were, and they have the facts available today. Why didn’t they share it then, and why aren’t they sharing it now?
“I feel a certain amount of guilt, but the church doesn’t seem to have any. And I find that odd.”
I remind her that many churches today seem to be facing up to these issues and struggling with them. “Yes,” she responds, “some are looking at it. I’m by no means trying to imply that Christianity and tolerance are incompatible. I’m simply for the notion that Christianity should not leave anybody out, including gays. Love doesn’t draw a line in the sand. Yet I still read a lot of rhetoric. You know, at one time the Presbyterian Church forbade divorce. Then the rule was changed, but Walnut Creek Presbyterian wouldn’t go along with it until there were so many divorces that they had to change their tune or half their congregation would be gone. I look back and think, ‘They compromise on divorce, and here my son is gone and they’re still mouthing the same old bullshit.’ It annoys me.”
“So, no more guardian angels?” I ask.
“We’re the guardian angels,” she says. “We are the power. And we have a responsibility to do what we can in this life. It’s part of an evolutionary process. Everything has gone through an evolution, including how I felt about God. History is full of stories of people who forge ahead to improve their lives. Determined to make life better, we search through trial and error until we find the right way. You know, with all the brutality in the world it’s not enough to leave it to God. Too often the God we’ve known looks the other way.”
If salvation is no longer the driving force, what gives life meaning?
“You mean, why are we here? I believe we have a responsibility to educate and make the world a better place. I truly believe one person can make a difference. I got fascinated with the story