Prime Time - Jane Fonda [103]
Mary Madden was sixty-two when I interviewed her in her attractive but not extravagant home in Atlanta. She had been divorced for fifteen years, and though she knew many people in Atlanta, she had never happened to meet anyone to date, nor been introduced to anyone. She had been a technology entrepreneur who started her own business and took it public; she now works with a turnaround firm, where she helps companies facing bankruptcy run more efficiently.
A few years before I met her, at age fifty-nine, Mary had gone on both eHarmony and Match.com, using them simultaneously. She explained, “A friend of mine who has her own business went on Match.com and met someone she then married. She told me, ‘You are going to have to go through seventeen or eighteen guys. So prepare yourself. It’s like making sales calls.’ She’s a salesperson and she was absolutely right. I corresponded briefly with seventeen men before I met the man I am with now.”
I learned from Mary that to start, you sign up for an account with one or more of the companies. She said they are not expensive and that one, the Right Stuff, is free if you can prove you attended an Ivy League school. Once you have opened the account, you are asked to fill out a questionnaire describing yourself. You may also decide to write an optional essay that goes into more depth about you as a person. For example, what are your likes and dislikes? What do you want out of life? Are exercise and staying fit important? Do you enjoy travel? Do you like spending time with your children and grandchildren … or not? (If a man wants to be with his grandkids every weekend and you don’t like kids, you may not want to waste your time developing a relationship with him.) Are you an avid reader?
Mary told me, “I put down that I read a lot and I listed all the things I read, and one guy sent me a response saying, ‘Well, the last thing I read was my automotive manual. But I am in south Georgia and I am an auto mechanic and I would really like to meet you.’ So, saying no to that one was easy.”
Mary also mentioned that a Jewish friend of hers from Los Angeles who had used JDate, the Jewish dating site, told her that her personal essay was too serious. “So I rewrote it to make it less serious,” Mary said. “I put in that I have been responsible for people all my life and right now I really do not want to be responsible. I just want to have a good time. This is actually what caught the eye of the man I ended up being with. He liked that. He is pretty independent. He doesn’t really want somebody taking care of him. Although we do take care of each other. I get him bananas and little stuff.”
Not all people post a picture. A friend of Mary’s has a business in Atlanta and felt she couldn’t let people know that she was looking to date online, so she never posted a picture of herself. “Yet she ended up meeting a highly placed corporate executive,” Mary told me, “and they have been together the last couple of months.” Since she didn’t share her friend’s concern, Mary did post a photo of herself along with the questionnaire; but after the JDate friend said the photo was also too serious, Mary got a professional portrait taken.
In her book Prime: Adventures and Advice on Sex, Love, and the Sensual Years, the sociologist Dr. Pepper Schwartz says that you can decide when to post your picture. You can do it right away, or you may want to wait until you feel there are a few men who seem compatible and then ask them if they want to see your photo. “A crisp, clear, recent picture showing your face and body type is the safest, most honest way to proceed. But make sure it shows off your best attributes,” Pepper says. “If you are voluptuous, why waste your time (and the man’s) if he prefers slender, small-breasted women?” Pepper adds, “Likewise, you need to see a clear picture of any guy you are