Prime Time - Jane Fonda [105]
When and if a relationship does develop, be sure that the two of you have a clear understanding of what each expects out of it: Do you want a completely monogamous commitment, or to continue seeing other people? Do you envision getting together once or twice a month or more regularly but without moving in together? And if he won’t give you a home phone number or allow you to meet his children and friends, beware: He may be married.
Mary Madden wasn’t alone in finding it hard to tell a man she wasn’t interested. “You feel kind of sorry for them,” she said. “A Vietnam veteran emailed me one day because he’d spent the whole day at the VA hospital because he could not hear and he could not walk. I was like, this is just not going to work for me. But it was hard. It pulls on a lot of heartstrings.”
My heartstrings got pulled in the Third Act just when I felt certain I didn’t care anymore and wasn’t looking. Five days before I was going to have knee surgery, I was in Paris shooting (in French and English!) a commercial for L’Oréal skin-care products for older women. A pal of mine, the wonderfully funny writer Carrie Fisher, sent me an email to let me know that a longtime friend of hers, the music producer Richard Perry, upon discovering that I would be stuck in Los Angeles for at least a month because of the surgery, had asked her to organize a dinner where he could reconnect with me. I had first met him thirty-five years earlier, when he brought together a group of music industry heavyweights in his home to support my then husband, Tom Hayden, in his campaign for the U.S. Senate. I remembered the house, perched atop a hill overlooking all of Los Angeles, with a pool and a tennis court and tastefully decorated in an Art Deco style. (He still lives there … and now so do I, much of the time.)
Ten years later we ran into each other at a party in Aspen. Tom had chosen to stay home with the children, so I arrived alone, and when I saw Richard I asked him to be my date for the evening. We danced together all night; and I didn’t see him again for twenty-five years. But there was that distant memory. And there were the songs he produced, hit after hit. Many of them I would use in the Workout classes I taught. I guess “Slow Hand,” by the Pointer Sisters, was the one that always made me wonder what Richard was up to. I have to tell you, when I saw his name in Carrie’s email, my heart did a little flip. I showed the email to Matthew Shields, my hairstylist. “See this name? Richard Perry? This could be fun.” Barely ten days after the surgery, when I was still on crutches, we had our “reunion” dinner, and he’s been my honey ever since. At seventy-one it felt good to feel good again and also to know that I can remain who I am, not trying to tailor my personhood to meet a man’s fancy—well, maybe a little. When we’ve grown up (and that took a while for me), we are clearer about who we are, what we want and don’t want, and this can mean that later in life the unexpected can always happen—if we remain open to it.
CHAPTER 16
Generativity: Leaving Footprints
Old age is like a minefield: if you see footprints leading to the other side, step in them.1
—GEORGE VAILLANT
If the task of young adults is to create biological heirs, the task of old age is to create social heirs.2
—GEORGE VAILLANT
Speaking at the Raises not Roses festival in 1979.
OTHER THAN DISEASE, THE PARAMOUNT DANGERS OF ACT III are loneliness, depression, and lack of purpose. These are, to a large degree, matters that have to do with the personal choices we make at this stage of our lives, what we choose to do or not do. When we feel we have purpose in our lives, the loneliness and depression seem to fade more into the background. Okay, so my back aches, but I’m passionate about what I’m doing. Sure, I lost my network of friends at the office when I retired, but I’m going out and making new