Prime Time - Jane Fonda [68]
Kissing my grandson, Malcolm.
DONNA FERRATO 2001
The social neuroscientist John Cacioppo is a distinguished service professor at the University of Chicago. He studies the stress of loneliness on our bodies and on our minds. As a guest on NPR’s The Diane Rehm Show, Mr. Cacioppo said, “Loneliness is the perception that you are isolated from others. It’s not the reality of being isolated. In fact, studies have shown it is not the frequency of contact with other people, it is not whether you are alone or not; we actually did such a study and found lonely and non-lonely individuals spent the same amount of time with other people.… It’s a perception that you’re isolated. People can be isolated in a marriage, with friends, being the last one chosen on a team. You’re a member of that team and yet somehow you don’t feel a part of it. So loneliness is this perception.”4
This made me think about the many months I spent essentially alone writing My Life So Far, and my solitude right now as I write this book. I’ve never felt alone at such times, and I think it is because I write to communicate with people, and so I am always thinking about those people out there who will read my book, and this makes my aloneness a very non-isolated time. Solitude is not loneliness. I have also found that praying or meditating can alleviate feelings of loneliness because they are a form of being connected to something greater than ourselves.
Loneliness can become more of a problem in the Third Act. Friends and family may have died; disability may prevent us from going out and interacting the way we used to. The physiological impact of loneliness—stress, lowered immune system, anxiety, and depression, along with the challenges I already mentioned—make it important for older people to summon the effort to reach out by phone, over the Internet, by joining a club or going to a senior center. Try putting yourself into situations where you’re likely to find people who share your interests, your values—or your challenges. I have talked to a number of women who met new friends while attending a grief management program for women who had lost their husbands. In his book about longevity, The Blue Zone, Dan Buettner suggests joining a spiritual community; if you aren’t of a particular denomination, you might try humanistic communities like the American Ethical Union or Unitarian Universalism. Volunteering is a win-win: You simultaneously meet new people while doing good. One important thing I’ve learned over the decades is that when seeking a relationship, it can be more important to be interested than to be interesting.
As Mr. Cacioppo says, “One doesn’t have to connect with ten thousand friends. Just connecting in a minor way with someone who you are not going to interact with again, perhaps a taxi driver; just a moment of being nice to another person and having them be nice in return can be the beginning of reconnection.… But you want to extend yourself in a safe environment, because underlying the misery of loneliness is this feeling of threatened fear. And so you want to be in a safe place. Don’t try to hit a home run with the first social contact. Be satisfied with little steps initially.”
On the set of Monster-in Law with my assistant, Steven Bennett (on the right), and his partner, the artist Chester Old.
Now, dogs are great for companionship; don’t get me wrong. In fact, their unconditional love boosts our oxytocin levels and can even cause us to live longer. Reports have shown that “dog-owning cardiac patients die at one-quarter to one-sixth the rate of those who forgo canine companionship.” Shirley MacLaine says, “Older people should have dogs. It helps us to go into hyperlove, and love is what ageing is all about.”5
Dogs are easy. People less so. But all our developmental stumbling blocks stem from relationships with people. Turning the stumbling