Prime Time - Jane Fonda [73]
Interestingly, my age cohort and the boomer generation immediately following may be the last to experience this late-life androgenization. It appears (and I pray this is true) that sex roles for Generation X women and men are already undergoing the kind of relaxation that may, if psychologists are correct, augur happier partnerships earlier in life. A 2007 Time magazine article said that “the number of stay-at-home fathers has tripled in the past ten years” and that these “new Dads” “are challenging old definitions of masculinity.” “Masculinity has traditionally been associated with work and work-related success, with competition, power, prestige, dominance over women, restrictive emotionality—that’s a big one,” says Aaron Rochlen, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Texas, who studies fatherhood and masculinity. “Other research shows that fathers who stop being men of the old mold have better adjusted children, better marriages and better work lives—better mental and physical health, even. Basically,” Rochlen concludes, “masculinity is bad for you.”6
In an article in the New York Times, Tara Parker-Pope reported the results of a study done in 2000 in Vermont after same-sex civil unions were legalized in the state. She noted that “same sex relationships, whether between men or women, were far more egalitarian than heterosexual ones.… While gay and lesbian couples had about the same rate of conflict as the heterosexual ones, they appeared to have more relationship satisfaction, suggesting that the inequality of opposite-sex relationships can take a toll.” Apparently, same-sex couples resolve their conflicts better. In the same article, Robert W. Levenson, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Berkeley, is quoted as saying, “When they got into these really negative interactions, gay and lesbian couples were able to do things like use humor and affection instead of just exploding.”7 These findings seem to confirm what I have been saying: that democracy within a relationship is key to the long-term happiness of the couple.
Individuation and androgenization were present in the longterm relationships whose partners I interviewed. You may think, judging from previous chapters, that I am cavalier on the subject of long-term commitment, whether in marriage or in loving partnerships. I am actually a true believer. I regret that I’ve not stayed married to one man for the long haul, but I’ve made some fairly deep transitions over the course of my life so far, and the men I was with either didn’t want to transition with me, or couldn’t, or were transitioning in a different direction. As Lillian Hellman once said, “People change and forget to tell each other.”
Richard and me in 2009.
Then again, on my side, I think that up until my sixties I was challenged in the intimacy department because I lacked the individuation and androgenization factors. I knew that I risked dying without ever really experiencing the kind of deeply intimate relationship with a man that I have experienced with women. That would be my big regret. (I am speaking not of sex but of emotional intimacy!) So I’ve worked on myself. Writing my memoirs was part of it. I am in a relationship now that has the potential I seek. I cannot know for sure. It’s only been sixteen months, as of this writing. I am with a man who is not at all in a spiritual transition. We are actually very different. But he isn’t afraid of intimacy, and I have become a freestanding adult, and maybe, just maybe, this relationship can be a crucible in which I get to heal