Prime Time - Jane Fonda [78]
Kathy explained that the work she and so many others have done for decades now on LGBT issues has blossomed. “I have a network of people I know all through Philadelphia, and they are very meaningful to me,” she said. “Some are clergy, some are lay; they are all out, in their churches and, I presume, in their jobs, but who knows? They became really my second church because what was important about our church was not necessarily the theology or anything; it was the community of people who will support us even though they may not be active in our group. They will support us, and then they talk about it. In fact, some people said they went back to their retirement communities and they would talk about these issues at their dinner table and it kind of grew.”
Having found her own voice, her own way to make a difference, Kathy now works within her new church community in Atlanta, on the board of directors for the Association of Welcoming and Affirming Baptists and the Marriage Equality team, which is a group that advocates for marriage equality for same-sex marriage in Atlanta. “We will start up in Atlanta—we’ll see if we can ever get the state of Georgia,” she told me with a smile.
But Kathy didn’t end the discussion there. She wanted me to understand another part of why their marriage has survived for so long, in addition to her finding her own space. “We have always been a part of a community of people who are supportive,” she said, “and that has happened in the churches we have been in, with people who have lived a long time and seemed to be happy in their old age and they were still active—and so, you know, we had role models.”
“So, there was a community rooting for you and dependent on the two of you to stay together as a couple?”
“Well, I don’t know if they depended on us, but it was my expectation that we would stay together, I think. I would have let myself down.”
I have thought a lot about these words of Kathy’s, this thing about what’s expected out of marriage, what we expect from ourselves. It saddens me that we just don’t have these same expectations anymore. Quite the contrary. The expectation these days is that one won’t stay together, and so when the going gets rough, many tend to move on. And yet … maybe that is becoming inevitable in the face of our newly gained longevity and our desire for 360-degree relationships, intimate and passionate all the way. Margaret Mead felt that every woman needed three husbands: one for the youthful sexy stage, one for bringing security to the family-building stage, and one for Third Act companionship.
Right now, looking back at the beginnings and endings of my own relational scenarios, I feel that if our loves must be segmented into more doable phases, what becomes critical is to take the time and make the effort to learn the lessons each phase offers so that at least we deepen and grow in our ability to be a loving, intimate partner. Who was it who said, “If you keep doing the same things the same way, you keep getting the same results”?
Intentionality
“I think one of the things that has really been important for us,” Bill remarked, “and we had to become intentional about this, was spending time for just us. I’ve learned a lot working with people, and one of the things that happens all too often is that when people get married you spend all your time on maintenance: the kids, fixing up the home, doing the work around the house. Whereas when people start getting together, you’re nurturing the relationship. Then they get married and all that nurturance tends to turn over into maintenance, and when I work with couples it’s putting play back into their relationship.