Promises to Keep - Ann Tatlock [84]
“But I thought you told me your family didn’t want your mama to marry him either.”
She nodded slowly and her eyes narrowed. “That’s right,” she said. “It’s like black and white don’t mix. But that’s what I am, black and white both. So what does that say about me? I’m mixed!”
I didn’t know what to say to that, so I didn’t say anything.
After a moment she went on. “We’d been driving for a little while when I asked him, ‘What should I call you?’ because I didn’t want to just jump in and start calling him Daddy, even though that’s what I wanted to call him. And he said, like he was doing me a favor, ‘Well, you can call me Bill, of course.’ And I said, ‘Call you Bill?’ And he looked at me funny and said, ‘Well sure. You don’t want to call me Professor Remmick, do you?’ and I said, ‘No, I was hoping I could call you Daddy.’ And then he looked real sad again, and he said, ‘Bea, you have parents. They brought you to the train station,’ and I said, ‘They aren’t my parents, they’re my grandparents, and you know it,’ and he said, ‘Bea, listen to me, they’re the ones raising you, so they’re your mom and dad.’
“So then I just looked straight ahead for a long time, and he knew I was mad, because he lit up another cigarette and his fingers were trembling a little. Finally I said, ‘You’re sorry I came, aren’t you?’ And he said, ‘No, I’m not. I’ve wanted to meet you since the day you were born. I’ve been waiting a long time for today.’ And I said, ‘Then how come you don’t want to be my daddy?’ ”
She took a deep breath then and let it out slowly. She looked up at me and tried to smile, though her eyes glazed over as she fought back tears. She swallowed hard and jutted out her chin a little bit. “When I said that, he pulled the car right over to the side of the road, and he turned to me and said, ‘Listen to me, Beatrice. I’m your birth father and I’m not denying that. You’re here today because I wanted to meet you and you wanted to meet me. I’ll always want to know what’s going on in your life, and I will find a way to always know how you are and what’s happening to you, but, Bea, that’s not a daddy. I have three kids who call me Daddy, and I’m there for them and I take care of them and I scold them when they need it and I tell them every day I love them, but I can’t do that for you. I wish I could. You’ve got to believe me when I say I wish I could. But I can’t. And it’s never going to happen. I’m really sorry, but that’s just the way it is.’
“He sounded real mean when he said it, but the funny thing was, he was almost crying. I mean, his eyes were red and watery. But he didn’t want to look like he was crying, so he started up the car and we pulled into the road again.
“I said, ‘Do you think you could ever love me like you do your other kids?’ and he said, ‘Bea, I’ve always loved you. I want you to believe that.’ I thought about it a little while and then I said, ‘I guess I do, because you say good-night to me at the end of your show, and you don’t say good-night to your other kids.’ He said, ‘No, that’s just for you, because it’s all I can give you. It’s not enough, but it’s all I have. And when the show goes off the air someday, I’ll find another way to let you know I’m thinking about you.’
“I looked at him and I said, ‘When you say good-night to me on the radio, who do your wife and kids think you’re talking to?’ He kind of smiled at that and said, ‘To them, you’re my Mrs. Calabash.’ ‘Your Mrs. What?’ I asked. He told me about Jimmy Durante and how whenever he signed off on his radio program, he said ‘Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are,’ even though there probably wasn’t any real Mrs. Calabash out there listening. So I thought, well, that figures, because to his family I’m not real, and I don’t even exist.
“By that time we were almost to where we were going, and I was still thinking about what I should call him, and I said, ‘I just don’t think I can call you Bill.’ He looked at me kind of funny, and he was smiling and he said, ‘Well, how about you call me what your mother used to