Protector - Laurel Dewey [209]
“I don’t know. Maybe it was a moment in time that opened up . . . Maybe it was . . .” Jane realized that intellectualizing was futile. Jane reached out and stroked Emily’s long brown hair. “Emily, all I know for sure is this: there will not be a day that goes by when I don’t think about you.”
“For true?”
“For true.”
“I want to know how to picture you so I can feel like you’re still with me.”
“Why don’t you just picture me standing beside you.”
“How are you gonna picture me?”
Jane thought about it. “Growing up. Going to school. Laughing with your friends. Being happy.
“I don’t know how I’m ever going to feel happy again. How can I be happy when I saw them on the floor?”
“Emily,” Jane said with a serious tone, “look at me.” The child turned to Jane, her eyes sad and lost. “You might not be able to understand these words, but I want you to say them every single day for the rest of your life. I want you to say, ‘I had this experience, but it didn’t have me.’ ”
“I had this experience, but it didn’t have me.”
“That may not make any sense to you right now, but one day, it’s gonna click and you’ll feel . . . a sense of freedom. It would be so easy for you to blame Chris for ruining your life. But, take my word, it’ll just end up destroying you. Don’t feed the memory. You do that and you give him so much power—power he doesn’t deserve. If you do that, his memory will take over your life until you can’t figure out where he ends and you begin. Don’t let him live inside your head and tell you lies about who you are. Don’t let him define who you become. And no matter how much you want to, don’t picture him as some kind of towering monster. Think of him as if he were a small, dry leaf that’s easily crushed when you walk over it. If you can do that, he will never have power over you.”
Emily really thought about Jane’s advice. “You know what?”
“What?”
“When I grow up, I don’t want to be what I want to be. I want to be who I am.”
Jane smiled. “Well said.”
“When I talked to my aunt on the phone today, she told me that I’m supposed to go see a therapist.”
“I think that’s a good idea.”
“You do?” Emily said, seeking Jane’s approval. “I thought you didn’t like therapists.”
Jane shifted in her seat. “Perhaps I spoke too quickly. There’s nothing wrong with sitting down and talking to someone about what happened to you.”
“Are you going to sit down and talk to someone about what happened?”
Jane smiled. “Have you and Sergeant Weyler been communicating?”
“No. I just thought—” Emily reached over and brushed her finger across Jane’s scar. “I just thought that maybe if you could talk to someone who knows things, maybe they could make this not hurt so much.”
Jane clasped her hand around Emily’s palm as her emotions got the better of her. “Do you think that’s possible?”
“I think pretty much anything is possible. Even the things that don’t make sense are possible.”
Jane’s attention was drawn toward the house as Emily’s aunt and uncle exited their front door and peered down the long driveway at Jane’s car. Emily turned, looking more irritated than happy to see them. “Come in with me,” Emily said.
“No,” Jane replied, wiping away her tears. “You need to walk up that driveway alone.” Emily threw her arms around Jane’s neck, holding on to her tightly. Jane, in turn, wrapped her arms around Emily. “You have my home phone number and my work number,” Jane whispered into Emily’s ear. Emily nodded, still holding on to Jane for dear life. “You call me whenever you want. Okay?”
“Uh-huh,” Emily said, sobbing on Jane’s shoulder.
Jane pulled Emily away from her chest so that they were eye-to-eye. “They’re waiting for you.” Emily lowered her head. “You don’t have to look back,” Jane whispered in Emily’s ear. “I’ll be right here.”
Emily reluctantly let go of Jane and sadly collected her Starlight Starbright vinyl case and small travel bag. She opened the door, hesitated and then turned back to Jane. “I love you.”
“And I love you,” Jane said, her voice cracking. Emily got out of the car and closed