Pug Hill - Alison Pace [41]
“I know,” I agree. No one ever thought that Darcy would actually consider packing up and moving to a commune outside of Albuquerque. But lately Darcy has taken to calling up my parents and telling them that if C.P. moves to the commune, she’s moving, too. And, as you might imagine, my parents think this is absolutely terrible, and if you so much as mention the word Darcy these days, the whole atmosphere just instantly changes.
“So, I’m taking Darcy with me to Canyon Ranch. I think it’ll help,” Mom announces after another pause. My mother is a person who believes pretty solidly that there aren’t many wrongs in the world that can’t be righted by a spa week, so this should not take me by surprise, but it does.
“Okay,” I say.
“Clearly, you can see how it will help,” Mom announces more than asks. “If nothing else, just some time away from C.P. will be a help. That C.P. is such a schmuck.”
“Yes,” I agree, “he is.” I listen to my mother exhale again. She is not finished yet, I can tell.
“Both my girls date schmucks, and for the life of me, I don’t know where you get it from. I never dated schmucks. I dated your father.”
“Well,” I say, and I do not know what to say. I want to say, I date a schmuck and the only thing that happens is you call me up and tell me he’s a schmuck and revoke his Jean-Paul Belmondo status. Darcy, simply because she dates a schmuck in a far more extravagant fashion than I do, just because Darcy, by her very nature is more extravagant and over the top than I ever am, gets a SPA VACATION! I say nothing though because to get noticed in the background of all that is Darcy is a battle I’ve fought my entire life and lost. And also, if she does really join a commune, I don’t want to be the one who complained about a week at Canyon Ranch. I realize at this point that I may sound unsympathetic. At this point, I think maybe I am.
“Speaking of schmucks,” Mom adds, “is Evan coming to the party?”
“Evan and I broke up,” I say and wait, just for a beat. I wait for, “Oh, that’s too bad, you must be upset being thirty-two and single.” I wait for, “I’m sorry dear, you should come to Canyon Ranch, too.”
“Well, that’s certainly for the best.”
“Yes,” I say, “it really is.”
“You’re okay?” she asks.
“I am, I’m fine,” I say, and then, “Can I say hi to Dad?”
“He’s upstairs in his office.” Relinquishing the phone to my father is a constant issue for Mom. We do not know why.
“Okay,” I say slowly, “would you like to yell to him, or would you like to hang up, and I’ll call back, and we can let it ring until he answers?”
“No, I’ll get him. But, Hope?”
“Yes?”
“I do not want you bringing up the commune with your father. Your father is very upset about the commune. Under no circumstances are you to discuss the commune with your father.”
“No problem,” I tell her, “no commune.”
“Okay, talk to you soon, and thanks for coming out.”
“No problem,” I say again.
“Write it in your calendar, so you don’t forget.”
“Sure thing.”
“Henry!” I hear Mom shouting, more or less directly into the phone. I move it slightly away from my ear. A moment later Dad is on the line.
“Hi, sweetheart,” he says, and though I can still hear my mother breathing on her end of the phone, the stress that is a phone conversation with my mother begins, ever so slightly, to dissipate.
“Hi, Daddy.”
“Okay, Caroline, you can hang up now,” Dad says.
“I was just waiting to be sure everyone was on,” she informs us with a slight harrumph, and we listen to the click as her phone is returned to its charger.
“How are you, Dad?”
“I’m good, good, you? How’s work, Evan?”
“I’m good, work’s good, but Evan and I broke up,” I say, adding on quickly, “I’m fine though, really, it’s all for the best.”
“Oh, well, sweetie, I’m sorry to hear that, but I’m glad to hear you sound okay. You let me know if there is anything at all that you need.”
“Thanks, but I’m fine, really.”
“Great, then, while I have you on the phone, I have a question for you. Do you know much about this