Pulp - Charles Bukowski [37]
“No, Jeannie, no!”
There was a purple flash and instantly Billy was turned into a furry snake with one moist eye and began wriggling rapidly across the floor. Once again Jeannie’s right hand pointed at him, there was another flash and a roar and then Billy the space alien was gone.
“I can’t believe what I’ve seen!” said Cindy.
“Yeah,” I said, “I know.”
Then Jeannie looked at me. “Don’t forget, Belane, you’ve been selected for the Cause, the Cause of Zaros.”
“Yeah,” I said, “I can’t forget.”
Then there was a third flash of light and Jeannie was gone.
Cindy was now fully dressed but still in a state of shock.
“I can’t believe what I’ve seen here.”
“Baby, Jack hired me to clean up your mess and that’s what I’ve done.”
“I’ve got to get out of here!” she said.
“You do that. And don’t forget what I’ve got on this camcorder here. You stay in line or I turn it over to Jack.”
“All right,” she sighed, “you win.”
“I’m the greatest dick in L.A. You gotta know that now.”
“Look, Belane, I’ve got something I can give you for that camcorder.”
“Huh?”
“You know what I mean.”
“No, no, Cindy, you can’t buy me. Nice try, though.”
“Well, screw you, fat boy!” she said. She turned and walked toward the door. I watched those unbelievable haunches moving.
“Cindy!” I said, “wait a minute!”
She turned, smiling. “Yes?”
“Never mind. Go ahead…”
Then she was out the door.
I walked into the bathroom and relieved myself and I don’t mean I had a bowel movement. But I was a true professional. Another case solved.
37
The next day at the office I got Jack Bass on the phone.
“You still want to divorce Cindy, Jack?”
“I dunno. You got anything on her?”
“Let’s put it this way. The two gentlemen she had contact with are now dead.”
“Contact. What the hell do you mean by ‘contact’?”
“Jack, please, these guys are dead now, there was a Frenchman and a space alien.”
“A space alien? What kinda crap you feeding me?”
“No crap, Jack. We’ve been invaded by a few space aliens from Zaros. She met one of them in a bar. Pretty well-hung chap.”
“He’s dead now?”
“Yeah, him and the Frenchman, like I said.”
“You kill people?”
“Jack, these guys are gone. Cindy’s not going to play anymore. You can relax.”
“How do I know she’s not going to play anymore?”
“Don’t worry. I got an ace. She’s not going to play.”
“You got something on your camcorder she doesn’t want me to see, is that it?”
“Maybe. Maybe not. Let’s just say I can nail her ass with this if she does.”
“But I want her to be with me because of me, not because of some blackmail.”
“Blackmail, schmackmail, Jack, she’s not going to play anymore. I got rid of her contacts and she’s gonna keep her panties on. What more can you ask? Maybe she’ll even get to like you. Give her a chance to come around. She’s young, she needed a fling, what the hell.”
“With a space alien?”
“Be glad. Nobody will ever know who he was. It’s almost like it didn’t happen.”
“But it did. You say he was well-hung? How well-hung was he?”
“Hard to tell. He was working…”
“You watched?”
“I stopped it.”
“How about the Frenchman? Was he well-hung too?”
“Jack, both those guys are dead. Forget it. You’ll be getting my bill in the mail in a couple of days.”
“There’s something about all this that doesn’t rest well with me.”
“She’s not going to play anymore, Jack.”
“But suppose she does?”
“She won’t because she knows I can nail her ass.”
“There you go again. You weren’t banging her, were you?”
“Jack, Jack, Jack, please! I’m a professional.”
“And these guys are dead? How do I know this?”
“Jack, you’ll know by the way she behaves. Now stop worrying. You got anything else you want me to solve? I’m the best dick in L.A.”
“I don’t have anything right now.”
“O.k., Jack, have a nice day.”
“Sure, sure…”
I hung up.
I opened the desk drawer and got out the vodka, had a hit. Things were working out. Now all I had to do was to find the Red Sparrow. And stop from getting too involved with the space aliens. Or Lady Death.
I had another hit of vodka. And allowed myself to feel all right. For a while.