Q & A - Keith R. A. DeCandido [34]
“Sorry, Jean-Luc, but no. For once, I’m simply a passive observer.”
“I find that impossible to believe, Q.”
Q rolled his eyes. “Of course you do, Jean-Luc. You never believe a word I say, certainly when it involves something you cannot possibly comprehend.” He started to pace around sickbay. “I must admit, not coming back until now was a somewhat deliberate choice on my part. Riker and Troi are gone, for one thing—this means I’m spared the possibility of Troi’s mother being present. As for Riker, insulting him was becoming rather like shooting fish in a barrel. I do get bored so easily.”
“And yet you keep coming back,” Crusher said tightly.
“What can I say, Doctor, I’m a sucker for comic opera.”
“Enough!” Picard said. “Q, either ex—”
“’—plain yourself,’” Q interrupted, doing what Picard grudgingly admitted was a passable impersonation of the captain’s own tone of voice, “‘or get the hell off my ship!’ Yes, yes, yes, Jean-Luc, I’ve heard it all before, and I’ve always ignored it, so may we please dispense with the usual shouting and get on with the business at hand?” Without waiting for an answer, Q turned to Worf. “So I see Picard made you first officer.” He shrugged. “Well, Riker proved that any idiot can do the job, though I must admit, microbrain, I never thought of you as just any idiot.”
Worf, who had folded his arms over his chest, simply stared impassively at Q.
“What, no growl? No threats? No forward motions designed to unconvincingly intimidate?”
“No,” was all Worf said, remaining rigid.
Q nodded approvingly. “Progress. You’ll be walking without dragging your knuckles next.” Then he turned to face the biobeds. “Newbies! So nice to see some fresh faces ‘round these parts. Good riddance to Riker and Troi, of course, but Data is sorely missed. How fitting that he ended a life spent in pursuit of becoming more human in an idiotic gesture worthy of the lowliest human.”
Seeing that Leybenzon was starting to move off his biobed, Picard started to speak, but Worf beat him to it. “Lieutenant! At ease.”
His entire body tensed so tightly that Picard feared he would snap in two.
Leybenzon protested, “But, sir—”
Q leaned toward Leybenzon. “Best listen to microbrain, chuckles.” He turned to Picard. “What is it with you and security chiefs, anyhow? You go through them the way Kathy goes through hair-styles, from Tasha all the way down to this lout.”
Every instinct in Picard screamed do something, but his intellect reminded him that it was completely pointless because there was nothing he could do, except make an ass of himself. The years had taught him that Q did what he did, and there wasn’t a thing Picard or Worf or Leybenzon or anyone could do about it. The best approach was to wait him out and let him play his silly games until he filled them in on his true purpose.
His hand going to his phaser, Leybenzon said, “Captain, Commander—I cannot simply stand here and—”
“And do what?” Q asked in a low, dangerous voice.
“Get frozen, most like.” That was Kadohata, who had gotten up from her biobed. “That’s what happened when he first came on board. Froze the conn officer, a nice young chap name of Ricardo Torres. He was a friend of mine.”
Turning to Kadohata, Q said, “Ah, the Tinker-toy’s replacement. And newly procreated too.” Q moved to put his arm around Kadohata. “I must say, Randy—do you mind if I call you Randy?”
Kadohata looked at Q’s arm like it was a diseased snake but wasn’t foolish enough to provoke him. Instead she simply said, “Yes, I do, rather.”
“I must say, Randy, I used to think very ill of the entire reproductive process, but since I’ve fathered a son of my own, I’ve done a complete one-eighty on the subject. Parenthood is simply wonderful, isn’t it?”
“Yes, it is,” Kadohata said gamely. “I can’t imagine it’s the same thing for you, though.”
“No. For one thing, I’m actually raising my son instead of leaving him at home with the spouse.”
Now Kadohata did throw Q’s arm off her. “Don’t you dare! Don’t you of all people presume to lecture me!”
“Oh, I wouldn’t dream of it, Randy.” Q held