Rain Village - Carolyn Turgeon [116]
“I will be faithful to you,” I said. “I will come back.”
He leaned down and kissed me, his lips as soft as pillows. “Good luck to you, mi amor,” he said. I watched him stand up and turn to the door. So proud, a star of the circus. He slipped out into the day, leaving me alone.
I spent the next several hours wrapped in the sheets, crying, wishing I could stop time. Over and over I wondered if I could let Costas go and keep my life the way it had been before, but his presence and Mary’s story had burrowed into me, illuminated every missing part. Everything had changed. It was early afternoon by the time I forced myself out of bed. Mauro was right: I had a lot to do.
After I dressed and bathed, I went to the tents to find Costas, trying to avoid the curious faces turning to me as I went by.
“I’m coming with you,” I said, as soon as I came upon him. I saw the relief in his face, but before he could say anything, I turned away.
I spent the rest of the day doing chores. I gathered my things and set my wages and contract in order. After listening to him plead and bribe and shout for most of the afternoon, I worked out a settlement with Mr. Velasquez for all my future missed shows, and then I cleaned out the train car and packed one large duffel bag. I had accumulated a chunk of money over the years, and I gathered as much of it as I could and sewed it into my pockets. I knew I was taking far more than I would need for a short journey, but I didn’t think about what that meant.
When I told Lollie I was leaving, she promised to keep my costumes safe, along with whatever else I could not carry with me.
“I knew this day was coming,” she said. “Just be quick, chica. And come back. Don’t mistake her past for your own future.”
“Why, Tessa?” Paulo asked, when I told him. “Aren’t you happy here?”
“Yes,” I said, “I am. But I just know this is something I have to do.”
He shook his head and walked away.
That night, the night before Costas and I left together for Rain Village, I spread glitter over my cheeks for the last time, staring into the mirror at the woman I’d become. I had to reapply my eye makeup several times to fill in the paths of my tears. I stuck my feet in my sparkling slippers, draped a cloak over my rhinestone-covered leotard, and set out for the ring.
The circus makes everything beautiful, transforms any pain. As I twirled over the crowd, I just let the air hold me, make me into someone new. Even the tears that fell down my face sparkled like diamonds under the light.
Afterward we walked silently from the big top to the backyard. No one was smiling or laughing the way they usually did. Carlos, furious, wouldn’t even look at me. The dark, silent mood seemed in direct contrast to the whirling lights and music and shouting coming from the midway and front lot. When I returned to the empty train car, I took off my costume with shaking hands and carefully folded it into my open bag. I reached into the pile of clothes and pulled out my pink lace skirt. Taking a breath, I split open the hem, let Mary’s opal ring spill onto the table. The swirling colors lit up the room, and dazzled me. Suddenly I was so sad I could barely see straight. I slipped the opal onto my right ring finger and held up both of my hands to the light: everything I loved and wanted in the world seemed reduced to those two blinding spots on my hand. My wedding ring, and the ring Mary had fastened to a chain around her neck before she walked into the river.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Costas and I set out into the early morning. The ground seemed empty and stunned under the hot sun; my body felt thick above the concrete and sidewalks. We walked into town, and I felt unmoored, like I was exchanging one self for another. I imagined Mauro alone in a hotel room, preparing to head back to our empty train car.
“How do you feel?” Costas asked, turning to me.
His voice caught me off guard. I turned to him, surprised. I looked up at him, then flicked my eyes quickly away. “Terrible,” I whispered.