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p Col. 3:9; 1 Tim. 1:10; 4:2; Titus 1:12.

q Rom. 1:29; 7:7–8; Eph. 5:3–5; Col. 3:5.

a Gen. 34:1–5; 1 Sam. 13:1–15; Ezek. 22:11.

b Judg. 19:22–30.

c 2 Sam. 13:1–21.

a Isa. 13:16; Lam. 5:11; Zech. 14:2.

b Eph. 5:25.

c 1 Peter 3:7.

Part 3

THE LAST DAY

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REVERSE-ENGINEERING YOUR LIFE AND MARRIAGE

The end of a thing is better than its beginning.

—ECCLESIASTES 7:8

The most important day of your marriage is the last day.

Too many couples put their best energies into the first day. The cake, flowers, clothing, and photos have to be perfect. But while a wonderful first day of marriage is important, it’s the last day that really counts.

Will the last day of your marriage come prematurely through divorce? Will the last day of your marriage be filled with regrets as you stand over the coffin of your spouse? Or by God’s grace will the last day be a day to rejoice in a life lived together and remember the gift your spouse was to you while on earth?

To finish well on the last day of your marriage, it is not enough to simply have passion and principles. You also need a plan. Marriages start with passion and over the years accrue principles, but apart from a plan, the passion and principles are powerless. You must choose whether you will spend your time making plans or excuses.

This chapter will be a thorough homework assignment of sorts to make that plan. It comes out of the most painful season of our life and marriage. I (Mark) had been pushing myself hard for more than a decade since Mars Hill Church opened up, and I had overextended myself so much that I had worn out my adrenal glands and gotten an ulcer.

Some Sundays were brutal. I would sneak in a back door, avoiding any human contact because I simply did not have the emotional wherewithal to spend an entire day hearing of trauma in people’s lives and arguing with religious types. At times I actually found myself nodding off on the side of the stage before one of the five services I preached live. So I foolishly started drinking energy drinks all day to power through Sundays. After preaching I would go home to sit in the dark and watch television, obviously depressed. Before long I was stressed each night at bedtime as the anxiety over whether or not I could sleep became constant. I felt like a car that could not turn off. I had multiple stress-related symptoms—heartburn, headaches, nervous eye twitch, aggressive driving, constant low-level anger, high blood pressure, and self-medicating with foods and drinks packed with fat, sugar, and simple carbohydrates, along with caffeine.

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Perhaps a few months after things had reached this level, a godly friend in the church, named Jon, scheduled a meeting with me. God had laid it on his heart to speak some wisdom into my life. He did so with great humility, and in that meeting he gave me some insights that were life changing.

Jon had been taking notes on how he organized his life, things he had learned, and what he felt the Holy Spirit had asked him to tell me. His wisdom was a priceless gift. He called it “Reverse Engineering.” The big idea is to anticipate life forward and live it backward.

In the ensuing months I sought to add to his wisdom as much insight as I could. For the church, I met with some of the pastors of the largest churches in America to see what I could learn about how we needed to reorganize. For my health, I found a doctor named John who was a naturopath and ordained pastor and started doing what he told me to do, which has changed my life. For my awareness, I started reading and studying material written by doctors and counselors on stress and adrenaline.1 For my marriage, I started spending more energy than ever to connect with Grace and get our time together. I also met with a Bible-based counselor a few times to inquire what I needed to learn and how I could best serve Grace as her friend. I limped along through the winter and spring making adjustments along the way.

That summer we took a family vacation in central Oregon with Grace’s family.