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In closing, these are very complicated issues. Any attempt to put a neat and tidy set of rules in place is invariably abused by sinful people who find ways to make their sin fit such grids. Therefore, God gives wisdom to the church leaders who, along with governmental laws, can help make these decisions. Ultimately, none of these kinds of questions can be answered for an individual case unless spiritual leaders are involved, getting both sides of the story, to carefully and prayerfully come to a wise decision. We have done this many times in our years of ministry together and rarely counsel someone to seek a divorce. We always work toward repentance and reconciliation while acknowledging that sometimes those things simply do not occur and we have to do the best with the situation we have.

Appendix IV

MARRIAGE TO AN UNBELIEVER

The Bible commands Christians not to marry non-Christians (2 Cor. 6:14). But it can happen in a number of ways.

Sometimes Christians sin and marry non-Christians.

Christians believe they are marrying other Christians, but over time the believers discover their spouses never actually were Christians, or that they had turned their backs on God and decided not to live as Christians.

Two non-Christians marry, but one spouse converts while the other does not.

What the believing spouse is supposed to do in marriage with an unbelieving spouse can become complicated and painful. As a ministry couple, this scenario is a reality for some people we love very much. And although in this book we cannot cover this subject in detail, we did want to give some counsel in an effort to encourage and serve those Christians who are married to non-Christians.

In the Bible, the places you will want to study most intently are 1 Peter 3:1–6 and 1 Corinthians 7:12–16. Also, the book of Esther is very helpful as it tells the story of a believing woman married to an unbelieving man and who conducted herself admirably.

Because it is God who saves, praying frequently for your spouse is key. This also will keep your heart from growing hard toward your spouse. A handful of godly friends of the same gender praying with you, and for you and your spouse, will be helpful.

You will likely need to be patient, especially if you are a believing woman married to an unbelieving man. All the studies we have read on this subject reveal the same thing—a believing man is more likely to see his unbelieving wife converted than a believing woman is to see her unbelieving husband converted.

You need to live your life as a Christian—going to church, reading your Bible, and growing in Christ. This needs to be done in a humble and considerate manner, but you cannot wait for your spouse to convert to live as a Christian. Your chief goal is to honor and glorify God. You should do this in an effort to see the conversion of your spouse and preservation of your marriage also. But if your spouse demands you sin against God or cease walking with God, then you cannot accommodate your spouse’s demands, even if it tragically means the marriage will end as a result.

A few books may be of help. Surviving a Spiritual Mismatch in Marriage by Lee and Leslie Strobel (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2002) tells the story of how a godly wife helped her atheist husband become a Christian and a pastor. How Women Help Men Find God by David Murrow (Nashville:Thomas Nelson, 2008) gives some very helpful practical advice from his extensive study of how men meet God and connect with church.

Appendix V

SEXUAL BEHAVIOR AND RELIGIOUS BELIEF

While what is sexually common is not necessarily sexually holy, it can be helpful to know what other people are and are not doing sexually. This is true for couples who wonder if they are abnormal compared to peers, as well as those in caring professions (such as, counselors, pastors, ministry leaders) wanting to have as much knowledge as possible about sexual practices. To gather this information, we employed a team of researchers from the Docent Research Group (www.DocentGroup.com). Their team of professors