Real Marriage_ The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together - Mark Driscoll [19]
It is common to hear married people speak of “falling out of love” with their spouses, and “falling in love” with someone else in adultery. In using the language of “falling,” they are cleverly avoiding any responsibility, as if they were simply required to follow their hearts. But the Bible tells us not to follow our hearts, but rather “guard” them because they are prone to selfishness and sin.a
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According to the Bible, love does not come from our hearts, but rather through our hearts. This is because “God is love,” and in relationship with God through Jesus Christ, by the Holy Spirit, we receive God’s love to share with others.b It is through the presence of God the Holy Spirit in our lives that we are able to love our spouses. Galatians 5:22 says, “The fruit of the Spirit is love.” And Romans 5:5 says, “The love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” Even when we don’t feel loving with our spouses, we can give love to them and receive love from them if we live Spirit-filled lives.
In the Bible love is often a feeling. But rather than being a feeling that promotes action, it is often first an action based on obedience to God that results in a feeling for our spouses. This explains why the Bible commands husbands to love their wivesc and wives to love their husbandsd rather than commanding them to feel loving. This further explains why the Bible even commands us to love our enemies.e
In the Bible, love is also a verb; it is what we do. Like Jesus’ love, it is a covenant commitment that compels us to act for the good of the one we love. This also explains why perhaps the most popular wedding Scripture of all time depicts love as active. First Corinthians 13:4–7 says, “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
Christian marriage is reciprocal acts of covenant love. This includes the little things. Perhaps some examples from people we asked will be helpful:
“He lovingly makes me coffee every single morning, and it means a lot to me!”
“He runs me a hot bubble bath when he knows I’ve had a tough day caring for our three daughters (all under five)!”
“He prays for and with me and laughs at my jokes and we’re silly together!”
“I cook, and he washes the dishes. It makes me think he appreciates my time that was spent cooking dinner, especially since we have two little ones.”
“She lets me pick the TV shows and control the remote.”
“[He] holds on to sentimental things—keeps them hidden where he thinks I will never find them. He has cards and notes I wrote him from when we first started dating.”
“He calls home at lunchtime no matter what . . . just to reconnect and see if we are all doing okay at home.”
“When my gas tank is low, he drives to the gas station and fills it. My husband has pumped my gas for almost twenty years. I appreciate that he notices and takes care of it for me!”
“A while back, I made a commitment to become more healthy physically. Among many changes was only having one soda a week. Every Saturday my wife goes out and buys me one Dr. Pepper so I will have it when I am finished preaching on Sunday.”
“[She] surprises me with pizza and hot wings and a beer when I get home from work!”
“She leaves encouraging notes with my keys or on my car steering wheel in the mornings.”
“We walk to the library hand in hand, choose books, read them, and then swap. Later that week, over wine on the porch, we discuss those books. My favorite thing ever.”
“He opens the car door. I never had that before, and it means a lot to me.”
“She’s excited to see me every time I come home.”
“[He] knows my favorite ice cream and just the right time for it.”
“I have a lot of girlfriends