Real Marriage_ The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together - Mark Driscoll [41]
We don’t want to be talked to harshly, so we need to desire the same for our husbands. Also, it is important to remember, we don’t change our husbands; the Holy Spirit does! Use your words to pray for him and help him instead of belittling him. Or use your words to pray for yourself that you will practice self-control. When you want to speak, remember Ephesians 4:29: “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.” Are you a wife who criticizes, contradicts, or sneers at your husband? Do you do this in front of other people? Do you “joke” about his lack of abilities or his way of doing things? Do you cut him down in front of the kids? My fear is that we may be doing this without even paying attention to it, because it is so common in our culture. Popular situational comedies on television degrade the husbands and make them look like idiots in comparison to their wives. Ask yourself how you would feel if your husband was disrespectful to you, or remember how devastated you have felt when he responded to your disrespect with disrespect.
Our battle with words goes all the way back to the garden of Eden when Eve used her words to ask her husband to sin with her. Her intention was not to bless him but to excuse her sin and have him join her in it. We continue to fight the same war with our mouths today, but God gives us the Holy Spirit for wisdom and strength to continue being redeemed. Sometimes we don’t even hear ourselves, because our words can be subtle disrespect, so we might need others whom we trust to help us assess our hearts and mouths. Ask your husband or a godly woman, or both, if your words are respectful, and be willing to listen without blame shifting or excusing your sin. We cannot grow in respect if we disregard those who point out our disrespect.
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Hands of Respect
God created women to be helpers, which is a reflection of His character. God said, “It is not good that man should be alone,” so He created a helper for Adam.a It is important to note that the word helper does not denigrate the wife; in fact, God is also referred to as our helper.b We need each other, not so we lose our identities, but rather so we can reflect our identity in Christ to our spouses as the Holy Spirit makes us more holy. As a helper, a wife is called to become a companion in her husband’s God-given calling. This is what 1 Corinthians 11:7–9 means, saying, “[Man] is the image and glory of God; but woman is the glory of man. For man is not from woman, but woman from man. Nor was man created for the woman, but woman for the man.”
Upon marriage, a woman’s life changes as she joins her husband in his life’s course. That looks different for me than it does for your marriage because all our husbands are unique. For starters, prayerfully consider the following ways to have respectful hands:
HANDS THAT PRAY. Prayer softens both our hearts and their hearts, by trusting God to make us teachable and to work in both of us. If you only pray for him to change, then you won’t see your own sin too. Prayer reminds us of our total dependence on God. When I pray for Mark, he feels respected and loved. I look at his calendar for the day and pray for teaching sessions, meetings, appointments, safety, wisdom, and other things God brings to mind. We also enjoy prayers of thankfulness together when we see God’s grace in our lives. When Mark is sad, upset, stressed, or discouraged, I offer to pray out loud with him.
HANDS THAT TOUCH. Physical affection is key to intimacy. If he enjoys touch, you probably can’t go overboard on this one, but if he is more reserved, you can still express comfort through holding hands, neck