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Sin is the problem. The gospel of Jesus Christ is the answer.

Sin includes both omission, where we do not do what we ought to, and commission, where we do what we ought not to do. Sin includes our thoughts, words, deeds, and motives. It includes godlessness, which is ignoring God and living as if there were no God, or as if we were God. Sin is invariably idolatry, which is replacing God as preeminent with something or someone else—most often ourselves, so that we live for our own glory rather than God’s and our own good rather than our spouses’.

There is a marked difference between sins and temptations. The Bible says that Jesus was tempted, but never sinned.a Therefore, when our spouses or we are tempted and do not give in, we have won the victory, and nothing needs to be repented of.

Repentance

She really wanted to buy some things that she technically did not need. The problem was, they did not have the money to pay for them. So she secretly applied for a credit card, made her purchases, and planned to pay off the balance before her husband ever found out. But rather than paying it off, she started buying more things and during the course of many months, dollar by dollar, racked up a very large debt. Frantic to cover her sin, she started selling things on eBay and through consignment stores, hoping to earn enough extra money to pay off her debt without her husband ever finding out. But after she missed a payment, her interest rate increased, fees were added, and she could see she was getting into real trouble. So she sat her husband down and, with tears running down her cheeks, told him the whole embarrassing story.

Jesus never sinned, and so He never repented. But unlike Jesus, we sin all the time. Therefore, we need to repent often. Repentance is a favorite word of God’s prophets throughout the Bible, including Jesus’ cousin John the Baptizer and even Jesus Christ Himself. Because Jesus died for our sin, we can put our sin to death by the power of the Holy Spirit. That is repentance. We can kill our sin, or sin will kill our marriages. Those are the only options.

To best understand what repentance is, let’s look at what repentance is not.

• Repentance is not getting caught but coming clean.

What does your spouse not know about you?

• Repentance is not denying our sin.

What sin is in your life and marriage that you have simply not accepted as sin that has to be dealt with honestly?

• Repentance is not diminishing our sin.

What have you partially confessed without telling the whole truth about? What have you downplayed as a minor sin that if not put to death will only grow to damage your marriage greatly?

• Repentance is not managing our sin.

What sin are you trying to keep under control or not let your spouse or other people you respect see?

• Repentance is not blame-shifting our sin.

What ways have you blamed others for your sin rather than accepting responsibility for it? Who or what do you, like Adam and Eve in the garden, blame—God, your spouse, your parents, the culture, your personality, stress?

• Repentance is not excusing our sin.

What excuses do you most commonly use to justify and excuse your sin?

• Repentance is not about someone else’s sin.

When conversing with your spouse, which sins of theirs are you most apt to bring up, rather than speaking about your own sins?

• Repentance is not about manipulating God or people for blessing.

In the past, how have you faked true repentance in an effort not to put your sin to death out of true sorrow, but rather in an effort to manipulate God or people to bless you for being a good person?

• Repentance is not worldly sorrow.

Even non-Christians can and do feel bad about their sin but do not see it as an offense against God and do not hate it out of love for Him and others. Have you simply shed a few tears, looked sad, and said you were sorry, but not really repented?

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• Repentance is not solely grieving the consequences of your sin but is hating the evil of the sin itself.