Real Marriage_ The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together - Mark Driscoll [70]
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My leader thankfully addressed the issue with the woman, and every week it was helpful to hear others’ stories and have the women respond to mine. I wasn’t alone! But I also needed to realize no other “friend” was going to fix this for me. Although I was blessed to have people in my life who loved me very much, our church lacked resources in helping abuse victims. We quickly realized there were large numbers of abuse victims attending our church and began the process of gathering resources to help.7 Mutual, honest accountability had always felt too vulnerable, but it was part of the process I needed to prayerfully participate in. I needed discernment as the pastor’s wife so that I didn’t put my husband wrongly in the middle of fire from critics. Along the way, I ran into several obstacles and was tempted to stop and not continue going through the pain, but I wanted to experience freedom and not pretend anymore, so I wasn’t going to let anything keep me from it. I finally wanted to put my own sin and shame to death, through Jesus’ death on the cross, and experience real joy!
I got on my knees, and God told me to trust Him with everything. He reminded me of Philippians 4:4–9, which had been a life Scripture:
Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice! . . . The Lord is at hand. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you. (Emphasis [small caps and italics] added)
I couldn’t walk this path of healing unless I realized the Lord was right there with me, that His peace would guard my heart, and that I needed to rejoice in even the smallest thing when it seemed as if there wasn’t anything to celebrate. I was blown away by His specific love for me. He took some of the few memory verses I knew and shined a light on them to give me hope in Him for the hard journey ahead! Again I knew more of my loving Father and experienced His forgiveness and cleansing. Another layer of junk was being removed from my soul.
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Over a couple of years, and continuing today, I learned to pray and cry out to God, I studied God’s character,8 and I was more honest with Mark than I had ever been. God gave me a few trustworthy women to encourage and exhort me and love me, despite knowing the truth about me. I read recommended books9 and listened to biblical counselors online.10 Although I had always thought all anger was a sin until I studied righteous anger, I finally experienced righteous anger and prayed against bitterness. I grieved the sin against me and the sin I committed against others and created healthy temporary boundaries with people who weren’t able to help me for a season as I processed my own sin and the abuse.
Many tears, many hard conversations, many eye-opening times with the Lord, many idols of my heart were revealed—all for God’s glory and my healing. I never thought it was possible, but that is what repentance and redemption feel like. Now I not only know what they mean but have experienced them through Jesus—and will continue to for the rest of my life.
The Masks of an Abused Person
A person who has been abused can become adept at hiding the pain behind a mask. It helps us cope with others and makes us feel safe,