Reviving Ophelia - Mary Bray Pipher [102]
As we talked, it became clear that Rita had way too much responsibility for a sixteen-year-old. Like many parental children, she took better care of others than she did of herself. She worked too many hours at the rock-and-roll radio station. She comforted her mother, and on the days her father couldn’t make it out of bed, Rita called his boss with an excuse. She helped her brothers with their homework while ignoring her own.
Rita had a boyfriend, Terry, who at nineteen was an alcoholic and a gambler. He worked part-time at a bar/keno parlor. He had met Rita at a street dance and been immediately attracted to her. That night he danced with her and invited her to a barbecue at his place on Sunday. Rita brought a cake and did all the cooking.
She said, “He’s nicer than Dad. I know he’s got problems, but he never gets mad at me.” She paused, embarrassed. “I know dating Terry is dumb, so don’t tell me.”
I decided to save the topic for another day. Like many daughters of alcoholics, Rita was choosing men like her father. Love was connected to anger, violence, unpredictability and shame. She dated Terry in the hope that this time the story might have a happy ending. She dated him because the familiar was comfortable, even if it was the familiar chaos of a relationship with an alcoholic.
Even though Rita considered herself an adult, she really wasn’t. She hadn’t developed any identity except that of helper. She hadn’t thought through issues like her own sexuality or career plans. She had no personal goals or sense of direction. She had bad judgment about relationships, and she was uneasy socially and failing in school.
Like most girls who have been emotionally or physically abused by their fathers, Rita had internalized many of the messages that he sent. She didn’t think that a decent guy would like her or that she was worthy of a loving relationship. She saw her value to men in primarily sexual terms. As is true of many women with abusive fathers, Rita was patient, tolerant and good-hearted, all qualities that helped her survive in the home of an alcoholic. She was competent and responsible, but under the surface Rita believed her value was in serving others.
I wanted to help her develop a sense of herself independent of this family. She needed guidance in even imagining good relationships. She was unsure what a healthy male would be like. Men were like boys to her; they needed patience, care and humoring. Women were either like her mother—weak and ineffectual—or like herself, required to take on the weight of the world and handle it without complaint.
Rita had a genetic tendency toward alcohol abuse; she had observed the misuse of alcohol, and she was under a great deal of stress and unsure of herself. Alcohol was her way to deal with pain. I recommended she stop drinking and find a support group.
Rita was ready for change. She had a difficult background to overcome and limited support. She was young and overburdened, but she had energy, honesty and openness. I was hopeful that Rita would avoid a “screwed-up life like [her] parents.” At the end of our session I asked Rita when she would like to come back. She tossed her lovely hair and said, “Tomorrow.”
CASEY (18)
Casey came in with her parents after her father discovered diet pills in her purse. This alone might not have alarmed him, but the pills fit with other evidence that Casey had been using drugs. So he called for an evaluation of her chemical use.
Casey sat between her parents. She was a gawky young woman in white shorts who seemed much younger than her eighteen years. Her legs were red and covered with goose bumps from the cold outside. Her mother pointed to them and said, “You should have worn slacks.” Casey flushed. “I thought it was warmer than it is.”
I asked how she felt about coming and she responded with a glib “okay.” Her father contradicted her with a shake of his head. “We had to force her to come.” He outlined Casey’s problems. She was messy, dishonest, irresponsible with money