Reviving Ophelia - Mary Bray Pipher [104]
“Do you know any guys who have these qualities?”
Casey thought for a while. “I know three guys like that, but they wouldn’t ask me out.”
“It’s the nineties,” I said. “Women can ask out men.”
Casey giggled at my suggestion, but wanted to talk about how exactly she might do it. I encouraged her to plan something low-key, to pay her own way and to avoid alcohol and sex. She looked at me incredulously. “What kind of a date will that be?” But when I started to answer, she waved it away. “I was joking. I’ll give it a try.”
Next time I saw Casey she had good news. She liked her job. Her room was still a mess, but she had managed to put thirty dollars in her savings account. Best of all, she had asked a guy on a date and he had accepted. She told me, “We went to the basketball game. I drove my parents’ car and met him at the auditorium. Afterwards he took me out for a frozen yogurt and we talked.”
Casey was amazed that she had the power to make an evening go her way. She was surprised and pleased that a man could value her for other reasons besides her sexuality. Furthermore, this guy asked her for another date, something that rarely happened with her previous dates.
We rehearsed saying no to sexual advances. Casey wrote a little speech to give when necessary. “I’m someone who likes to start slow and get acquainted before I get too physical. So let’s go out a few times and become closer friends. Later we can talk about whether we want a physical relationship.”
Over time Casey learned to check and recheck: “Is this person meeting my criteria for a good date?” If he wasn’t, she learned to say good-bye gracefully but firmly. She decided she did not want to have sex with anyone till they had known each other for several months and had talked about what sex would mean to both of them. They didn’t need to be engaged, but they needed to trust each other.
As she gained confidence, she spent less time with her family. She fought less with her parents as she developed more of a life for herself. Even though Casey was more confident socially, she still had the habit of drinking. She had learned to rely on alcohol to relax. I recommended a group called Women for Sobriety. Casey liked the atmosphere there. She had two serious slips in the first months of therapy, both of them triggered by anxiety about dating. But as she grew more independent and took more responsibility for her life with her parents and peers, she became more prudent in her consumption of chemicals.
DANIELLE (16)
Because Danielle’s parents were blind, I offered to drive to their home for a family therapy session. Danielle had been to my office earlier to discuss her recent arrest for being a minor in possession of alcohol. She was alarmed and guilty about the arrest. She hated to worry her parents, whom she loved and respected.
Danielle’s family lived downtown in a small pink clapboard house. Danielle, a tall, sturdy girl with red-gold hair, met me at the door. Today she was dressed in jeans and a Mexican-style blouse. She showed me into the small living room where her parents, Martin and Antoinette, waited on the couch. Martin was a studio musician and a piano tuner. Antoinette ran a small telephone answering service. In the early evening calls were infrequent; nevertheless, the phone rang just as we sat down.
The cat, Bon-Bon, sat on Antoinette’s lap. The room was dusty and cluttered with tapes, CDs and records. Harpsichord music was playing on the first-rate stereo system. Danielle poured strong tea for all of us.
Watching Danielle make introductions and serve tea, I was struck by how close this family was. Many things seemed understood—who would answer the door and be hostess, how to hand over the cups of steaming tea, who needed the sugar and cream, how phone interruptions would be handled and who would talk first.
It was Danielle. “Thanks for coming. I told my parents about our talk.”
Martin sipped his tea. “Danielle has always been a good daughter. We don’t want