Reviving Ophelia - Mary Bray Pipher [123]
She paused. “I worked a lot of hours in those days. I was getting my cleaning business started. Irwin and Mom watched Terra for me. When Terra was about five, she stopped wanting to go over there, but I didn’t think much of it. Maybe she missed her neighborhood friends. Then when she was seven she refused to go. She grabbed my legs and howled when I tried to leave her. That’s when we had a talk and Terra told me what was going on.”
“What was going on?”
“Terra said Irwin was making her watch movies with him and he was having sex with her. Later she told the police about other things—oral sex, being tied up. It was awful.”
“So you did get the law involved?” “Yes, and Mom filed for divorce right away. Thank God we both believed Terra from the beginning.”
Her voice caught in her throat, but she continued. “Terra was a mess. She hadn’t sucked her thumb since she was two and she started that up again. She wouldn’t let me out of her sight. I could hardly get her to school. She cried when I left her in the morning. The lawyers decided she couldn’t testify, and they used her counselor’s testimony instead. But that was enough to lock up Irwin. May he rot in hell.”
I asked about the counseling, and Mona said it was good for Terra. Really, Terra hadn’t had any trouble until adolescence. Then she seemed to fall apart again. As Mona put it, “She’s attracted to every skunk in the county.”
I said that Terra’s reactions were common for victims of incest. Adolescent issues often trigger earlier traumas. I warned that it might take a while to get things squared away. I also said that a sexual assault by a family member is an injury to the soul of the family. Everyone is wounded. Mona would need help forgiving herself for not protecting Terra and dealing with her own anger. I suspected all the other family members would as well. We would need to sit down together and discuss how this incident affected everyone. Also we would discuss how family members could help Terra heal.
Mona said, “Take all the time you want. Terra’s welfare is all that’s important.”
When Terra returned I brought up the abuse. She wrinkled her nose and said, “Do we have to talk about that? It’s over. I’m fine now.”
I said, “Do you see any connection between the abuse with Irwin and your relationship with Court?”
“Like what?”
“He hurts you, wants you for himself and tries to control your behavior.” Terra’s eyes widened, but she said nothing.
Terra reminded me of many young women who were abused as children. Often they must rework the abuse when they are teenagers. They’re all mixed up about love, sex, punishment and affection. They need to erase memories of bad relationships and build ideas about good ones. Otherwise they are at risk of finding boyfriends like the person who abused them.
Many issues arise with dating. For example, girls who have been assaulted often learn to block out the experience of being sexual. When they want to be emotionally present, they may find that impossible. Sexual touch may trigger a dissociative reaction. With therapy, this is something that can be changed.
Terra asked if I’d known other girls with her problems.
“Not exactly like you, but I’ve known lots of girls who were incest victims and had trouble in adolescence.”
She asked, “How many of them did you cure?”
I sighed. “I hope I have helped quite a few. I don’t blame you for doubting, though. It’s hard to trust people after what you’ve been through.”
Terra said, “You’ve got that right.”
Rape is a personal problem that cries out for a political solution. The solution to our cultural problems of sexual violence lies not only in the treatment of individual victims and offenders, but also in changing our culture. Young men need to be socialized in such a way that rape is as unthinkable to them as cannibalism. Sex is currently associated with violence, power, domination and status. The incidence of rape is increasing because our culture’s destructive messages about sexuality are increasing.
Rape hurts us all, not just the victims. Rape keeps all women in a state of fear