Reviving Ophelia - Mary Bray Pipher [146]
“My stepmother was tight with money. She only let me wash my hair once a week. I needed to wash it daily it was so greasy, but she didn’t want to pay for the water. My teeth were crooked and the school recommended braces. Mercene said, ‘I’ve heard that can cost a thousand dollars. No way we’ll spend that kind of money for straight teeth.’ Once I cut my foot pretty badly when I was walking beans. She wouldn’t pay for the doctor. I limped a little because of that.”
I worked hard to remain neutral as June talked about this neglect. June herself had no anger. She continued matter-of-factly. “I was the black sheep. Once my stepbrother asked me why I lived with his family.”
I asked how she survived those years when she was rejected at home and at school. “I thought about my mother and how she would have wanted me to behave. I decided that other people’s bad behavior was no excuse for mine. I would do the best I could. I talked to Mom in bed at night. I told her about my days. I always tried to have something I was proud of to report to her. I knew she had really loved me, and that got me through a lot. I knew I was lovable and that the people around me were too blind to see it.”
She rubbed her broad face with a handkerchief. “At the time I desperately wanted friends. Now I think I learned a lot those years. I learned to take care of myself. I got so that other people’s rejection didn’t faze me. I had my ideas about right and wrong.
“After high school my life really improved. I started working at Kawasaki. Immediately I felt more accepted. I worked hard and people noticed. Women invited me to eat with them. The men joked around with me. My supervisor took an interest in me. He encouraged me to get my teeth worked on and have my foot evaluated. I wear a brace now that corrected the limp.”
June smiled when she spoke of work. “I have a Halloween party every year for all the workers in my area. Fridays I bowl on the union team. I have earned merit raises every year I’ve worked there. I make good money.
“I’ve forgiven Dad and Mercene. I’m happy, so what is there to be angry about now? I am happier than they are. I try to do something for them every weekend. I take over a pie or mow their yard.”
I asked how she gets along with her father. “Dad can’t forgive me for being fat. He really wanted a beautiful daughter.”
I thought of June’s life. She has a spirit as delicate and strong as a spiderweb. She is gifted at forgiving and loving. Because she is unattractive by our cultural standards, she has been devalued by many, including her own father. But somehow she has managed to survive and even thrive through all this adversity. She reminds me of those succulent desert flowers that remain dormant for so many seasons and then bloom lavishly when there is a smattering of rain.
I said to her, “Your father has missed an opportunity to love someone who is marvelous.”
We talked about Marty. He’s a bulky man who is prematurely balding. June said, “His looks don’t matter. I know how hard he works and that he doesn’t put anyone down. He’s not a complainer.”
I suggested that daily she imagine herself successfully kissing him. “It’s hard to do what you can’t even imagine doing. Once you have the images down, the reality will be easier.” I encouraged her to keep her expectations for that first kiss low. “Bells may not ring and the sky may not light up.” I quoted Georgia O’Keeffe, totally out of context: “Nobody’s good at the beginning.”
I pointed out that the relationship was going well. Physical affection was only a small part of a relationship. She was already gifted at loving and forgiving, which were much more important qualities. I predicted that kissing would be easy once she was ready.
When I saw June again, she reported that kissing was great. She asked me if I thought she needed more therapy. “No,” I said. “I think you could teach me some lessons about strength through adversity and the importance of forgiveness.”
June is a good example of someone who, with almost no luck at all, fashioned a good life for herself. Almost all our