Reviving Ophelia - Mary Bray Pipher [54]
Mothers want their daughters to date, but are terrified of date rape, teenage pregnancy, AIDS and other diseases. They want their daughters to be independent, but are aware of how dangerous the world is for women. They want their daughters to be relaxed about their appearance, but know that girls suffer socially if they aren’t attractive.
Daughters struggle to individuate, but also need their mothers’ guidance and love. They resist their mothers’ protection even as they move into dangerous waters. And they are angry when their mothers warn them of dangers that they understand even better than their mothers.
Most girls are close to their mothers when they are young, and many return to that closeness as adults. But few girls manage to stay close to their mothers during junior high and high school. Girls at their most vulnerable time reject the help of the one person who wants most to understand their needs. The stories I tell focus on the mother-daughter struggle for the right amount of closeness. Jessica and Brenda have been so close that, with adolescence, Jessica rejects everything her mother offers. Sorrel and Fay have a good working relationship that’s neither too close nor too distant. Whitney and Evelyn have too much distance.
JESSICA (15) AND BRENDA
Jessica and Brenda were a study in contrasts. Brenda was a social worker in her late thirties. She was casually dressed and pudgy with wild, blond-gray flyaway hair. She talked earnestly and rapidly, using her hands to punctuate her expressive speech. She had words for every feeling and a sophisticated theory about every problem that she and Jessica were having. Around her blue eyes were deep laugh lines. Beside her sat Jessica, as still and distant as an ice sculpture. She was thin with long dark hair and a pale complexion, and she was dressed in a black silk shirt and pants.
Brenda said, “I’m at my wit’s end with Jessie. She won’t go to school and the authorities are on my case. Since I’m a social worker, this really embarrasses me. But I can’t physically force her to go.”
She sighed. “I can’t make her do anything. All she does is sleep, watch MTV and read magazines. She’s not doing chores or going out with friends. She’s throwing her life away.”
I asked Jessica how she spent her time. She looked away and Brenda answered. “She likes the television in my bedroom. All day while I’m at work she lies on my bed and generally messes things up. I bought her a television, but she still goes into my room. She claims my bed is more comfortable.”
Jessica sniffed dramatically and Brenda continued. “I wasn’t married when Jessie was born. She missed having a father. That’s affected her self-image.”
Jessica scowled when her mother talked about her, but refused to speak for herself.
“Jessie and I used to do everything together. She was a wonderful, enthusiastic girl. I’m amazed by what’s happening.” She sighed. “I can’t do anything right with her. If I ask her a question, she thinks it’s stupid. If I’m quiet, she accuses me of glaring. If I talk to her, I’m lecturing. I have to brace myself to deal with her. She yells at me constantly.”
Brenda patted her daughter’s leg. “I know she has low self-esteem, but I can’t figure out how to help her. What more can I do?”
I asked Jessica to leave the room. For someone so apparently disgusted by the conversation, she seemed surprisingly reluctant to go. For the next thirty minutes Brenda gave me a history of Jessica’s life. Then Jessica knocked on the door. “I’m sick. I need to go home.”
I handed Jessica an appointment card. “I’ll see you alone on Tuesday.”
I was glad this mother-daughter pair had come to counseling. Brenda, perhaps because she was a social worker, was reluctant to judge her daughter. She was so afraid of rejecting Jessica that she wasn’t being firm. She had parenting confused with abuse, and she was trying so hard to be good to her daughter that she was denying Jessica a chance to grow up. Brenda was in