Reviving Ophelia - Mary Bray Pipher [71]
Legal actions, particularly custody battles, tear adolescents apart. Often they end up blaming both parents for the anguish they experience and so they have no one left to trust. They discount adults and rely only on peers for comfort and companionship.
Divorce is particularly difficult for teenage girls, who are already stressed by cultural forces. When their families break apart, they have too much coming at them too fast. Girls deal with this situation in various ways. Some get depressed and hurt themselves, either with suicide attempts or more slowly with alcohol and drugs. Some withdraw and sink deep within themselves to nurse their wounds. Many react by rebelling. Here are some stories of girls and how they dealt with divorce.
MYRA (14)
Lois called for an emergency appointment after she was hit by her daughter. That afternoon in my office she spoke softly, glancing at her daughter with every sentence. Her daughter, Myra, dark-haired and muscular, was much more outspoken. She interrupted, contradicted and insulted her mother at every juncture. Myra was good at blaming, and Lois was good at accepting blame. Watching the two, I could see how things might get violent.
Until two years ago, when her parents divorced, Myra led the life of a pampered only child. Her father was a banker and her mother was an audiologist. They lived in a small community a hundred miles from our city, where Myra was the biggest duck in the puddle. Her father’s grandparents had been the founders of the town. Everyone knew and respected her family.
Then Lois went to a convention in Los Angeles, and when she came home she asked for a divorce. She had had an affair at the convention, but that wasn’t really the issue. The affair made her realize that the marriage wasn’t working, that things were wrong way beyond fixing. She announced that she wanted to move to a city where she could build a life of her own.
I looked at this small, shy woman and was amazed at her boldness. Lois said, “I know the affair was wrong. I’ve apologized to Randy and to Myra, but the divorce was right for me. I have never been happier than this last year.”
Myra groaned. “Yeah, but what about me and Dad? You ruined our lives.”
Lois spread her palms upward in a hopeless gesture and looked beseechingly at me. I could tell that she wanted to defend herself but felt too guilty. I asked Myra to tell me what happened after the divorce.
“At first I stayed with Dad, but that didn’t work out. He spent all his time at the bank and the Legion Club.”
She glared at Lois, who continued the story. “Myra wasn’t getting much supervision. Her grades dropped and she skipped school. Randy couldn’t control her. He had always left the discipline to me. Finally he gave up and sent her here.”
Lois looked at her daughter. “I love Myra. After the separation I tried to stay close, but she was too angry. When Randy brought Myra down, I was eager to get back together but also afraid. I had my own life for the first time, a good job and friends. I didn’t want everything screwed up by Myra’s anger.”
“Nobody wanted me.” Myra tossed her black hair. “I’m pissed. I miss our big house. Now we’re in a cramped apartment. I miss my boyfriend. I hate Mom’s friends and the kids at school. This whole thing is an enormous fucking drag.”
Lois said, “It’s hard for her. She knew everyone in town and was involved with everything—music, sports and the church. The city is a big adjustment. I thought we could work things out, but recently Myra has been hitting me.” She showed me a bruise on her left arm. “I don’t know how to handle this.”
Myra scowled. “I didn’t hit you, I pushed you. You always overreact. I never hit you.”
We spent the rest of that first hour working out a contract about hitting. It was agreed that if Myra hit her mother again she would be grounded for a week. Lois left feeling relieved, while Myra left angry that I had been influenced by her mother.
The next week I saw Myra alone. Like many teenagers, she was much more pleasant when her mother wasn’t around.