Reviving Ophelia - Mary Bray Pipher [84]
Therapy can teach girls to identify early that they are in pain. They need to label their internal state as painful and then think about how to proceed. They must learn new ways to deal with intense misery and also new ways to process pain. Their stock way has been to hurt themselves. They must learn to recognize pain and help themselves.
Fortunately this tendency to inflict harm on the body when in psychic pain is quite curable. Young women can be taught to process pain by thinking and talking, instead of punishing themselves. Most young women respond quickly to guidance about how to stop this behavior and develop more adaptive ones. They stop the self-mutilating and begin to talk about the stresses they are under.
TAMMY (17)
Tammy came in after her mother discovered her cutting her breasts. Alice had awakened around three and noticed a light on in Tammy’s bedroom. She went in to check on her and found her sitting on the bed surrounded by bloody newspapers, a razor in her hand. Alice woke Brian and they drove Tammy to the hospital. The doctor stitched up the deeper cuts and made an eight o’clock appointment for the family with me.
Alice and Brian were pale with fear and anxiety. Brian could narrate the events of the night. Alice couldn’t stop crying. Tammy’s face was red and puffy from tears, but she was not crying. Instead, she wouldn’t look at me or speak above a whisper.
In spite of the current crisis, this seemed a rather typical, traditional family. Brian was the minister of a small church and played saxophone in a jazz band on weekends. Alice was a music teacher and a stay-at-home mother. Tammy was the third of four children. The older two were in college and the youngest, a ten-year-old boy, was doing fine. There was a history of depression on Alice’s side of the family, but otherwise this family was unique for its lack of previous problems.
The family took long summer vacations every year. Often on Sunday nights they played music and sang together. Alice had served as a PTA president and a Girl Scout leader. Brian was a slightly absent-minded man who shut his eyes during the violent scenes in movies and fainted at his pre-wedding blood test.
Tammy, even with her puffy face, was a pretty girl with long blond hair and alabaster skin. She was dressed in a silk jacket, designer blue jeans and stylish green boots. Brian reported that she was a good student and an easy-going daughter. She made the honor roll every semester and was a twirler in the high school band. Like her parents, she loved music, sang in the church and school choirs and played flute with her school orchestra. Brian said, “She’s the best musician of all the kids.”
Alice added, “We’re in shock about this.”
I spoke to Tammy alone. “Do you know why you do this?” I asked gently.
Eyes averted, she said, “After a fight with my boyfriend.”
We talked about Martin, whom she had met her sophomore year at all-state music camp. Martin played bass for the biggest school in the state. He was everything a high school girl could desire—good-looking, athletic and popular.
Tammy said, “All the girls were after him. I was shocked that he picked me.”
“What’s the relationship been like?”
Tammy sighed. “We fight a lot. Martin is jealous.”
“What else?”
“He does things my parents wouldn’t like. He smokes pot and drinks.” She paused and looked at me suspiciously.
“Are you sexually involved with him?”
She nodded miserably.
“How do you feel about that?”
“I don’t know. I’m afraid of getting pregnant.”
She spoke softly but rapidly. “Martin’s really into sex. This New Year’s Eve, he had a party and rented porno videos for all the couples to watch. The guys liked it, but us girls were really embarrassed. We didn’t want to watch.”
“When did you have the fight that led to your cutting yourself?” Tammy brushed her hair off her face. “It was after the porno night. I think maybe the next weekend.