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By Root 518 0

GM Truck & Bus cafeteria—Dachau for the average stomach lining, a linoleum nightmare, Guyana soup kitchen for the famished and foolhardy. The place always looked yellow to me as if the air itself had contracted hepatitis. The inedibles were provided by an outside catering service who when asked the proverbial probe “How do you handle a hungry man?” must have replied “Botulism, just say ahhh.” The astonishing part of it all was that so many workers partook in this bow-wow chow on a daily basis. I guess that's what happens when you're subject to a monopoly. There was nowhere else to eat. Your only alternatives were a few vending machines stocked with tantalizing entrees like canned chili, vinegar-flavored potato chips, pork rinds and stale Zagnut bars. Fasting was both a popular and intelligent option.

On one side of the cafeteria they served what they called “Full Course Meals.” For about five bucks you would receive a slim gray slab of cow-thing, a side of artificial tater goop, a washed-out rainbow of veggies, a rectangle of lime Jell-o and a carton of warm milk.

The other side of the cafeteria featured “The Grill.” This is where Ronny always did his serious chowin’. He had a soft spot in his hardened arteries for their cheeseburger deluxe with extra bacon. Watching Ronny consume two or three of his favorite monster burgers was both hilarious and hideous. All you could hear was this incredible suction noise punctuated by various slurps and burps. He wasn't eatin’ the damn cheeseburgers as much as he seemed to be having oral sex with them.

I often had to warn Ronny to slow down. “Watch it, Jethro. You're gonna gnaw off a fingertip if you're not careful.”

“Grrrrabll-aggaga-mooshrrrr,” Ronny would respond, his mustache gloomed with mayo, his eyes glaring back at me like some fevered boar. What could be said. A boy and his burger. It was as inherently American as Washington crossing the Delaware or Billy Carter pissing on an airport runway.

THE SHOP FOOD MATCH GAME

Hey, just for kicks. Here's the directions: simply match the food listings in the numbered column with the corresponding taste sensations in the lettered column. No fair approaching a shoprat for assistance. Scoring: 9 or 10 correct—ready to dine on the set of a snuff movie. 7 or 8 correct—consider moving to the Republic of Mylanta. 5 or 6 correct—too wimpy to have a beer gut. Less than 5—pray that you never become blue-collar.

1. Mashed Potatoes

2. Beans & Franks

3. Reuben Sandwich

4. Chicken Soup

5. Tater Tots

6. Turkey

7. Coney Dogs

8. Patty Melt

9. Cole Slaw

10. Salisbury Steak

A. Construction Paper

B. Alan Trammel's Sweat Socks Immediately After a Doubleheader

C. Sunoco High Octane 260

D. Airplane Glue

E. Embalming Fluid

F Sam Kinison's Shower Mat

G. Squirrel Death

H. Golfball Skins

I. Collie Dung

J. Grated Crickets

ANSWERS: 1-D, 2-C, 3-B, 4-E, 5-H, 6-F, 7-G, 8-A, 9J, 10-I

Bob-A-Lou developed a total, heart-stompin’ crush on one of the cashiers down in the cafeteria. She was this sassy, glam-babe blonde whose sole mission on earth seemed to be nothing more than providing herself as groin-swell for the hungry droves who wove through the slop lines. She'd lean there on her cashier's stool with her cleavage tumblin’ out of her shrunken smock, her legs all stacked up for maximum eyeballin’, a Doral forever dangling from the corner of her mouth. It was all just a game of show & tell.

Not for Bob-A-Lou. He was in love with the cashier queen. It all amounted to one terrible mismatch—the brutal cock-teaser and the hopeless romantic. Bob-A-Lou had never even had a girlfriend before. He was thirty-one years old and still lived with his mother. He was a complete innocent with a heart as big as a house. It all spelled trouble.

For the next couple months, Bob-A-Lou asked the cashier out repeatedly only to be given some lame excuse. Bob-A-Lou remained undeterred. Sooner or later, his cashier queen would agree to a date. I couldn't bring myself to tell Bob-A-Lou he was in for a terrible letdown. What I wanted to do was approach the cashier and