Robber Bride - Margaret Atwood [148]
“Zenia, you shouldn’t be smoking,” says Charis. She’s forgotten she’s angry with her. “It’s so bad for your cells.”
“Fuck my cells,” says Zenia. “They’re fucking me! I might as well enjoy myself while I’ve got the time.” Her voice comes out of the darkness, lazy, sardonic. “And I have to tell you I’m sick to death of your do-gooder act. You’d be one hell of a lot happier if you’d mind your own business.”
“I was trying to help you,” Charis wails.
“Do me a favour,” says Zenia. “Help someone else.”
Charis can’t understand it. Why was she brought out here to listen to this? She turns and goes inside, and gropes her way up the stairs. She doesn’t turn on the light.
The next day Billy takes the early ferry into the city. Charis works feverishly in her garden, digging in the spring compost, trying to blank her mind. Zenia stays in bed.
When Billy comes back after dark, he is drunk. He’s been drunk before but never this much. Charis is in the kitchen, doing the dishes, dishes left over from several days. She feels heavy, she feels clogged; there’s something in her head that won’t come clear. No matter how hard she looks, she can’t see past the surfaces of things. She’s being blocked, shut out; even the garden today wouldn’t let her in. The earth has lost its shine and is just an expanse of dirt, the chickens are petulant and frowsy, like old feather dusters.
So when Billy comes in, she turns to look at him, but she doesn’t say anything. Then she turns away from him, back to the dishes.
She hears him bump into the table; he knocks over a chair. Then his hands are on her shoulders. He turns her around. She hopes he’s going to kiss her, tell her he’s changed his mind, that everything is wonderful, but instead he begins to shake her. Back, forth, slowly. “You … are … just … so … goddamn … stupid,” he says, in time to the shaking. “You are just so goddamn dumb!” His voice is almost fond.
“Billy, don’t do that,” she says.
“Why not?” he says. “Why the hell not? I can do what I like. You’re too dumb to notice.” He lets go of her shoulder with one hand and slaps her across the face. “Wake up!” He slaps her again, harder.
“Billy, stop that!” she says, trying to be firm and gentle, trying not to cry.
“Nobody … tells … me … what to do.” He steps back from her, then brings his leg up, knee into her stomach. He’s too drunk to aim well, but it hurts her.
“You’ll kill it!” She’s screaming now. “You’ll kill our baby!”
Billy puts his head down on her shoulder and begins to cry, hoarse choking sobs that sound torn out of him. “I told you,” he said. “I told you, but you wouldn’t listen.”
“Told me what?” she says, stroking his yellow hair.
“There’s no scars,” he says. “Nothing. There’s no scars at all.”
Charis doesn’t put it together, what he’s talking about. “Come on now,” she says. “We’re going up to bed.” They do, and she rocks him in her arms. Then they are both asleep.
In the morning Charis gets up to feed the chickens, as she always does. Billy is awake: he stays warm underneath the sleeping bag, watching her dress. Before she goes downstairs she comes over to give him a kiss on the forehead. She wants him to say something, but he doesn’t.
First she lights the stove, then she fills the pail at the sink. She can hear Billy moving around upstairs; also Zenia, which is unusual. Maybe she’s packing, maybe she’ll leave. Charis certainly hopes so. Zenia can’t stay here any more, she’s causing too much disturbance in the air.
Charis goes outside and unlatches the gate to the chickens’ compound. She can’t hear them rustling around this morning, she can’t hear their sleepy cooing. Sleepyheads! She opens the chickens’ door, but none of them come out. Puzzled, she goes around to the door for humans and steps inside.
The chickens are all dead. Every single one of them, dead in their boxes, two of them on the floor. There is blood all over the place, on the straw, dripping down from the boxes. She picks up one of the dead hens from the floor: there’s a slit in its throat.
She stands there, shocked and dismayed, trying to hold herself