Rommel_ Gunner Who__ A Confrontation in - Spike Milligan [0]
‘GUNNER WHO?’
(Memoires volume 2)
(Non fiction)
by Spike Milligan
1974
* * *
THANKS
Once again I am deeply grateful to Mrs Chater Jack, widow of our C.O. and late Lt Colonel Chater Jack, M.C., D.S.O., for the use of the private letters, diaries and documents which she so willingly lent me and is patient enough to let remain in my possession for this second volume, also to Al Fildes for his diary, and Harry Edgington for permission to publish his letters, plus the lads from the Battery who lent me the odd photo or letter, to Mr Rose and Mr Greenslade of the Ministry of Defence—to Mr Mayne of the War Museum for the loan of photographs—and to Syd Price for photos he took during the War and to BART H. VANDERVEEN for permission to use two photographs of the Humber Snipe wireless truck and also thanks to Derek Hudson for the loan of the photograph of Anthony Goldsmith.
S.M.
19 Battery on train to Embarkation Port—fighting off a ticket inspector
19 Bty 56 Heavy embarking for Africa
PROLOGUE
Of the events of war, I have not ventured to speak from any chance information, nor according to any notion of my own. I have described nothing but what I saw myself, or learned from others of whom I made the most careful and particular enquiry.
Thucydides. Peloponnesian War.
I’ve just jazzed mine up a little.
Milligan. World War II.
Overture
H.Q. Afrika Korps—Tunis. Jan. 1943
The scene:
Smell of German Ersatz Eggs, Sausages and Marlene Dietrich. A phone rings. General Stupenagel salutes it and picks it up.
STUPENAGEL:
Speilen!
GOERING:
Do you know were von Rommel is? This is Urgent.
STUPENAGEL:
General von Urgent?
GOERING: Don’t make wiz zer fuck-about!—vere is Rommel?
STUPENAGEL:
He is in zer shit-house.
GOERING:
Vot is he doing in zere at zis time of zer morning.
STUPENAGEL:
He is doing zer schitz he was bombed all night.
GOERING:
Donner Blitzen!
STUPENAGEL:
He’s in zer shit-house too.
GOERING:
Listen! Ve have had Bad News!
STUPENAGEL:
Dat sounds like bad news!
GOERING:
Our spy, Mrs Ethel Noss, in zer Algiers NAAFI, says dat zer Pritishers have brung zer heavy Artillery into Africa.
STUPENAGEL:
Gott no!
GOERING:
Gott yes! Zey are going to make shoot-bang-fire mil 200 pound shells.
STUPENAGEL:
Oh, Ger-fuck!
GOERING:
Tell Rommel, zer Führer wants him to got mil zer Panzer and make vid zer Afrika Korps, Schnell!
The scene:
Scene changes to a German latrine in a Wadi near Shatter-el-Arab. Enter STUPENAGEL.
STUPENAGEL:
Rommel, vich one are you in?
ROMMEL:
Number Zeben.
STUPENAGEL:
You must go to Tunis at once.
ROMMEL:
Let me finish going here first.
STUPENAGEL:
Zere is a crisis out zere.
ROMMEL:
Zere is a crisis in here; no paper, (screams, sound of scratching)
STUPENAGEL:
Vat is ger-wrong?
ROMMEL:
Itchy Powder on zer seat!
STUPENAGEL:
Ach zer Pritish Commandos have struck again.
Now read on:
JAN-FEB
X Camp. Cap Matifou. Algeria
If you read the first volume of this trilogy, you will know that in Jan. 1943 19 Battery 56th Heavy Rgt R.A. had arrived in the continent of Africa, which couldn’t have cared less. We were in ‘X Camp’, soldiers under fourteen couldn’t get in without their parents. Calling it ‘X’ for security was beyond comprehension because there, in foot high letters, was the sign ‘No 201 PoW Camp’. I could hear the Gestapo: “Mein Führer, ve have cracked zer Britisher Code! X, it means 201 PoW Camp! Soon we will know what PoW means.” The Camp, situated up a dusty track fifty yards from the main Algiers Road, was a rectangle covering five acres surrounded by a double barbed wire fence fifteen feet high. The view was beautiful, the light clear, brilliant, like Athens on a midsummer day. Stretching to our left was a gradual curve of the coast with a laticlave of yellow sand and finally, Algiers proper, barely visible in the distance. To the right, turning crescent-like was another beach that terminated in a dazzling white lighthouse on Cap Matifou. This was all described in the Regimental diary thus:
Arrived at X Camp,