Rommel_ Gunner Who__ A Confrontation in - Spike Milligan [18]
≡ I never found out what this meant.
Ridiculous! Sit down yes, but stand down, impossible! It was late afternoon, we were hurrying to establish an O.P. before dark.
Battery Diary:
Battery moved into action, north of Bou Arada. Map Ref. 6006.
By nightfall guns were dug in, and living quarters constructed. In my mud hut I took out my trumpet and played ‘Lili Marlene’.
A 7-2 Howitzer being made ready for its first time in action—Bou Arada Feb. 1943
NAZI NEWS FLASH
ROMMEL:
Hear zat? Zis man must be captured, he has shown considerable initiative! To play a German tune behind zer Allied Lines, he must have zer complete confidence of General von Alexander. We must capture zis Golden Englander Trumpet-speiler!
VON HATATIME:
How can ve use him?
ROMMEL:
First we make him Field Marshall Spike von Milligan and Company Limited Nazi Holdings, Bankers Hill Samuels then he will face the Allied Line and play ‘Charge!’ Ven zer British are almost up to our lines he will play ‘Retreat’, they will withdraw, zen he will play ‘Charge’ again, zen ‘ Retreat’. After five hours zer Britishers vill be, how you say?
VON H:
Shagged out!
ROMMEL:
Ya. Shagged out!
VON H:
Supposing he refuses?
ROMMEL:
He von’t I have zomething here, he will do anything for!
The scene:
Here Rommel hands Von Hatatime a photograph. Von H. looks, has seventeen premature ejaculations, staggers, backs forwards, sideways, sweat pouring from his Field Marshall’s baton, speaks.
VON H:
Mein Gott. Louise from Bexhill!
ROMMEL:
Look at zose Knockers.
VON H:
Vunderschoen. I Now I know why zey call you zer Foxtrot of the Desert.
The Signallers were all inside the Arab hut which now glowed yellow with improvised oil lamps. I checked my Tommy gun for the night. I had continually worked out in my mind the precautions I would take if confronted by Germans. It was a simple but highly effective plan, I would raise my hands above my head and say “I surrender.”
Through our door came Sergeant Dawson! Grinning evilly he removed the blankets from my weary body.
“We’re looking for our first hero casualty. We’re laying a line to the O.P.”
“Tonight?”
“Yes.”
“I was just going to bed, it’s Rita Hayworth’s turn.”
“Get yer bloody boots on.”
“I must get my rest Sarge—people are saying I’m finished.”
“I’ll tell you when you’ll be finished. Four o’clock tomorrow morning.”
I pulled my boots on, got my pliers, Tommy gun, and slid into the dark. The detail was, L/Bdr Sherwoods and his Bren Carrier, Sgt Dawson, Gunners Hart, Webster, Milligan and Bdr Fuller, who knew where the O.P. was. Dawson told us “Silence is imperative.” We set off being imperatively silent which couldn’t be heard because of the noise of the Bren Carrier. We walked behind with a cable drum that went clinkety-clank. Why? The ‘hole’ in the cable drum was square but the spindle was round. We all spoke in hysterical whispers. God knows why, to communicate we had to shout above the engine. As this charade went on, we started to giggle, then outright laughter. “Stop the bloody Bren.” shouted Dawson, himself on the verge of laughter. There was a suppressed silence. Unable to stand it, we all burst out laughing again.
“Stop it at once!” said Dawson through his own laughter. We stopped. “Now stop it, or I’ll kill the bloody lot of you.” A white star shell lit the night.
“What’s that?” said Ernie Hart.
“That, Ernie, means that a child has been born in Bethlehem,” I said.
“Well, he’s two months late and the wrong bloody map reference.” Another two star shells.
“She’s had triplets,” said Ernie. After an hour we reached the O.P. hill.
“This way,” said Bombardier