Rommel_ Gunner Who__ A Confrontation in - Spike Milligan [26]
Sitting in our hut we played a Little jazz, Harry minus piano improvised a double bass, making a megaphone out of some artillery board paper. There and then we cooked up a song. El Aroussa.
El Aroussa, El Aroussa,
We’ll get thru sir,
To El Aroussa,
No more dryin’, no more tryin’
No more dyin’ for El Aroussa.
Up and Down Lorry Carry me thru
In out, watch out, 88’s out of the blue!
El Aroussa, El Aroussa,
We’ve got thru sir, to El Aroussa.
Crappy, isn’t it? Now you know why the war took so long. Don’t ask me how we ever learned’ Lili Marlene’, but the wartime grapevine was highly efficient. Here was a song the Afrika Korps brought over, the Eighth Army picked up and now we knew it. Some lads joined in singing, the guns started up, it all sounded very very strange. We played a few more boring requests, like ‘Stay in my Arms Cinderella’ or ‘The Greatest Mistake of my Life’. Edgington and I did our routine.
“Do you know the Greatest Mistake of my Life?”
“Yes, you are.”
“Do you know ‘When the Poppies Bloom Again’?”
“Yes, mid April till March.”
“Do you know ‘I’ll be seeing you’?”
“Not if I see you first!”
German soldier praying for Gunner Milligan to stop playing the trumpet at night
Hitlergram No. 3961
Scene:
The Eagles Nest, Bertchesgarten, the Wagner Concert Hall. Stage curtains closed. Assembled are the Western World Press. House lights down. Over the speaker a voice.
Voice:
“Hello dere Vestern Vorld Gerpressen. Now! For your delight der All Deuscherband Hots shots!” From behind the curtains comes the sound of a quartet playing a very dodgy version of ‘Tiger Rag’—the curtains part—there, revealed in white monkey jackets, black trousers are a four-piece band—Martin Bormann dressed as Tommy Dorsey walks to mike.
BORMANN:
“Veil hello zer Western Press, let me make introductions—on Piano Adolph ‘Jerry Roll’ Eichman.”
Storms of recorded applause stolen from Benny Goodman Hall Concert.
BORMANN:
“On Drums und Vibes! Herman ‘Milt’ Goering.”
The scene:
Applause—Goering does quick drum break—throws sticks in air—misses.
BORMANN:
“Ach zer practice you vill make after school hein? Ha! Ha! Now zen, rated No. 1 cripple of zer year on G Banjo und ace crooner—Slim Goebbels!” Goebbels does hot break on banjo.
BORMANN:
“A slick trick, hein? Cool it daddy! Now! on Cornet, lead and scat vocals—zer leader of zer Reich, Adolph ‘Bix’ Hitler!” Storm of recorded zeigheils. The quarter launch into ‘Is you is or is you ain’t my baby’.
HITLER:
(singing) “‘Isyou iss, orisyou vasmein baby’.”
GOERING:
“Ya!”
HITLER:
“Is you is or not mein baby now! Hein?”
GOERING:
“Crazy Daddy! Vant a smoke?”
The scene:
The vocal concluded, rallentando. Storms of recorded applause.
BORMANN:
“Cool it Herren volks!”
The scene:
Martin Bormann signals, a thousand Doberman Pincer dogs surround the Reporters.
BORMANN:
“Now kids, any questions.” The Times correspondent stands.
TIMES:
“Good evening—this new venture by the leaders of the Third Reich—what do you hope to achieve?”
GOEBBELS:
“I vill answer zis! Ya—it is new scene man—Gone ist zer goose-step—all zat crap is out, out, out man, old Ger-hat, in comes zer new Swingen Turd Reich—Unter der Linden Plattz Von-step.”
HITLER:
Yea Goebbels baby!
GOEBBELS:
“Right on Daddy. Zis is zer new Hitler! a smile, a song, a Stalingrad!”
TIMES:
“Mr Goebbels, what started this new sound?”
HITLER:
“Me!! Ve heard zat eine Englisher Battery by zer name of ‘D’ has got zer ‘Schwing Band’, and zey play in zer front line. Shit men! Zey can’t get away vis zat! Zer Hitler Hot Shots vill give zer lie! OK Boys 1-2-3-4.”
The scene:
Hitler launches into a growl cornet solo, “It must be Jelly cause Jam don’t shake like that.” Flash-bulbs explode—Martin Bormann takes the mike.
BORMANN:
“Well you folks in zer U.S.A., zis is a broadcast from Germany zer home of good Jazz, you have been listening to ‘Bix’ Hitler and his three Reich Hot Shots, zo, Gute nacht, and remember!—(shouts) Ve vill destroy you!”
The Mediums in front of our guns now opened up,